Uncharted Waters - The Parent Journey
Years ago the topic of parenting existed with 3 books in the local book store. Today whole sections are devoted to pregnancy, child development and specific books that will provide guidance, support, directions and instructions. Care has been taken to have cute or pithy titles, catchy phrases and compelling photographs designed to snag worried parents. Professionals write about which approach is best on listservs. As far as I can tell consensus and a clear concept of the truth continues to be evasive.
A well used approach is expecting obedience after instilling fear. Remember the old “ Wait until your father gets home!” That eroded relationships with fathers for years. I think it is “use the stick” approach which assures if you don’t behave, the following will happen. This weekend, a caring father assured me all was going well in his household. His teenage son was going to be an eagle scout, because if he didn’t complete the requirements, his cell phone would be taken away. He also assured me his son would continue to get top grades because if he didn’t all college funds would be cut off. The father loves his son and is trying to do what he thinks is best. The media is filled with other strategies that fit into this loving father’s view of parenting. Parents can rent a drug sniffing dog to check to bedrooms. V Chips in computers can prevent accessing questionable websites. New GPS devices will communicate where ever a potentially wayward adolescence might drive. This “you better do it” approach is the tactic a mother in the grocery store used as we were both trying to decide which head of lettuce was worthy of purchase. She assured her young child, that if he didn’t behave he would end up with his picture on a lost child poster. Another mother yelled at her child, shape up or I will put you in that trash can. Both kids became immediately quiet with wide eyes. This is about parent control, parent watching and parent knowing. As a result of parent vigilance, a student will achieve, behave and succeed. Really? The ultimate power of the powerless is disruption someone said. I think this strategy bodes trouble. Obedience out of fear does not lead to long term connection, trust and emotional safety.
Relationships based on love and respect nurture and sustain. Laurence Steinberg reminds parents that what they do matters. Children are watching. Parental behavior, attitude and actions are more influential than words and or threats. Parents establishing rules and limits, while avoiding harsh discipline is about building emotional scaffolding. Children need others to be the leaders in the home. When parents ignore their leadership role, there are many little ones running the household. I think the adage is, when the cat is away the mice will play. I see way to many freewheeling kids left on their own in shopping malls, homes, and on street corners.
“The River of Doubt” by Candice Millard is about Theodore Roosevelt’s journey down an uncharted tributary of the Amazon. Parenting is like that. Each of us is in uncharted waters. Parenting is about trusting not controlling. Parenting is about believing, guiding, supporting and letting go. Thoughtful parenting is about knowing when to portage. Although experts can be helpful, I see them too often waving from the shore. Parenting comes with rapids, shoals, and quiet moments of repose. Respect and love leads to following rules that apply to everyone. It is not about being in charge, but about each of us learning how to paddle. Such parenting establishes relationships where people are eager to share Thanksgiving. Passing the peas, the turkey and the gravy is different when folks at the table are afraid, controlled and worried. Sharing holidays is different when parents are trying to control, manage and determine outcomes. I know that providing hugs, saying I love, and “you will make wise choices” adds a festive air to that for which we give thanks. Fear and obedience are not comfortable guests at a Thanksgiving table.
A well used approach is expecting obedience after instilling fear. Remember the old “ Wait until your father gets home!” That eroded relationships with fathers for years. I think it is “use the stick” approach which assures if you don’t behave, the following will happen. This weekend, a caring father assured me all was going well in his household. His teenage son was going to be an eagle scout, because if he didn’t complete the requirements, his cell phone would be taken away. He also assured me his son would continue to get top grades because if he didn’t all college funds would be cut off. The father loves his son and is trying to do what he thinks is best. The media is filled with other strategies that fit into this loving father’s view of parenting. Parents can rent a drug sniffing dog to check to bedrooms. V Chips in computers can prevent accessing questionable websites. New GPS devices will communicate where ever a potentially wayward adolescence might drive. This “you better do it” approach is the tactic a mother in the grocery store used as we were both trying to decide which head of lettuce was worthy of purchase. She assured her young child, that if he didn’t behave he would end up with his picture on a lost child poster. Another mother yelled at her child, shape up or I will put you in that trash can. Both kids became immediately quiet with wide eyes. This is about parent control, parent watching and parent knowing. As a result of parent vigilance, a student will achieve, behave and succeed. Really? The ultimate power of the powerless is disruption someone said. I think this strategy bodes trouble. Obedience out of fear does not lead to long term connection, trust and emotional safety.
Relationships based on love and respect nurture and sustain. Laurence Steinberg reminds parents that what they do matters. Children are watching. Parental behavior, attitude and actions are more influential than words and or threats. Parents establishing rules and limits, while avoiding harsh discipline is about building emotional scaffolding. Children need others to be the leaders in the home. When parents ignore their leadership role, there are many little ones running the household. I think the adage is, when the cat is away the mice will play. I see way to many freewheeling kids left on their own in shopping malls, homes, and on street corners.
“The River of Doubt” by Candice Millard is about Theodore Roosevelt’s journey down an uncharted tributary of the Amazon. Parenting is like that. Each of us is in uncharted waters. Parenting is about trusting not controlling. Parenting is about believing, guiding, supporting and letting go. Thoughtful parenting is about knowing when to portage. Although experts can be helpful, I see them too often waving from the shore. Parenting comes with rapids, shoals, and quiet moments of repose. Respect and love leads to following rules that apply to everyone. It is not about being in charge, but about each of us learning how to paddle. Such parenting establishes relationships where people are eager to share Thanksgiving. Passing the peas, the turkey and the gravy is different when folks at the table are afraid, controlled and worried. Sharing holidays is different when parents are trying to control, manage and determine outcomes. I know that providing hugs, saying I love, and “you will make wise choices” adds a festive air to that for which we give thanks. Fear and obedience are not comfortable guests at a Thanksgiving table.
Labels: fear, love, obedience, respect, Thanksgiving
posted by Ada at
7:13 PM
