Ada Speaks - Parenting on Purpose

Hats- Mother, Parent, Grandparent - Different Designs

2011-11-03T07:22:00.000-07:00

When our first child was born, I quickly discovered how ill prepared I was for my mother hat. Heather, clearly gifted at birth, did not seem to appreciate my experience as a classroom teacher, traveler, pianist and fine salad maker. I struggled with when to feed, change and rock her. My sleeping schedule and Heather's had different clocks. She was quite comfortable in her role has first born child. I however found being a mother a challenge and a journey into the unknown. I loved her immediately. I was awe struck, the moment she was born. I observed her discovering her ever expanding world. Through the years, I worked on my mother hat. I noticed it had many flaws and required maintenance, redesign and regular adjustments. I have two daughters. Each required a different mother hat, although a consistent and patient parent hat too was added to my wardrobe. Parent hat and mother hat is and are different. My husband and I worked hard to have like parent hats. The parent hat is about rituals, limits, routines and consistency. My husband traveled. When he was out of town, my parent hat remained clear and firmly affixed on my head. When he came home, that was when I quickly learned, my parent hat and his were different. Many discussions followed as we together crafted the " Alden" Way. There is something to be said about single parenting. At least, as a single parent, you are always right. Clarifying the parent hat takes time, energy and due diligence.

I wear a grandmother hat now. I find it more comfortable than my mother hat. I am not as insecure in it's design. I have a magnet on my refrigerator that states, " The first 40 years of parenting are the toughest." I think that is right. However, as a grandmother of five children I have learned an important life lesson. Grandparent hat is easier to create and enjoy. I want a magnet that says, " As a grandparent, each moment is to be treasured. Each shared experience is a gift." I am grateful that I have many different hats. Some are more comfortable than others. All are of my own design. The grandparent hat has been the one most easily created and celebrated. My grandchildren have taught me to pay attention to the moment. My grand children see me as an eager and able student.

Family Book Club

2011-07-14T13:10:00.000-07:00

Family Book Club

As a child, I grew up in the local branch of the Long Beach Public Library. I could walk there and befriended the head librarian. Books allowed me to travel-- to avoid daily home conflicts and the challenge of relating to individuals. I still love holding books and do not get the same rush from a Kindle or a Nook. A possible neurosis creates worry if I complete a book and do not have a new book in which to place my bookmark. Books, libraries and stores that sell books ease anxiety and extinguish a sense of isolation.

Over ten years ago, Elizabeth suggested that the six of us have a family book club. Now our family of 11 has 8 active book club members. Charlie at 7, will soon join his brother and cousin who have provided books for discussion with the six adults who were charter members. Abigail (2) and Ella (5) are watching. We have lined ourselves up alphabetically. Each family member can select a book and a few weeks later, the family discussion precedes Sunday dinner. The book selector also plans the menu. I was relieved when Jack. our 10 year old, passed on squirrel during the discussion of the Hunger Games.

A is for Ada. I started with The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. It is the story of a French journalist who has a serious medical condition and is completely paralyzed. He wrote the book by blinking his left eyelash. It is about the importance of life, good food, good conversations, and family connections. We talked about values, liking the taste of artichokes and sharing stories. I remember the book selection David made called Our Fathers. My son in laws are fathers who are dedicated to their children and the significant roles they play as fathers, husbands and uncles. We have read books about poverty, athletes, mountain climbing, and Alice chasing a rabbit. I remember a book about running a restaurant that ended any idea I had of owning one The book selection has been enhanced as our grandchildren became readers and eager to participate.

Caroline Kennedy wrote about the “character building” events her mother orchestrated. She talked about climbing mountains, learning to swim in too cold water, and camping without plumbing. I wish I had known about character building when my daughters were young. I usually said something about “someday you will be glad this happened or we will learn from this.” How much better to say, this is character building. Children learn from doing chores, having an allowance, filling sand bags, completing homework, and participating in family work and play. I think the family book club experience teaches us all important lessons. We have discussed racism, struggled with hatred, anger and tasks left undone. Right now our book is about a young man who overeats seeking love and inner assurance. The last book, Empire of the Summer Moon was about the Comanches and how they ruled the plains with astonishing horse riding skills.
The books we have shared as a family have indeed been a gift. As I watch our grandchildren eagerly join in the conversation, quietly bringing their own selections to the table, I know about miracles and blessings. I think our family book club builds character, develops communication skills and an appreciation of our diverse and ever changing world. Henry Thoreau said, “The book exists for us which will explain our miracles and reveal new ones.” Do you think the family that reads together, stays together?

Words that Rebuild, Nurture, Destroy or Diminish?

2011-06-08T18:31:00.000-07:00

Robert Fulghum tells the story of villagers who live on the Solomon Islands. The inhabitants fell trees by climbing to the top and yelling loudly for thirty days. They believe that after 30 days the shrieking kills the spirit of the tree. Silly? Maybe.

Fulghum comments on how we yell at one another, at our children, and at things that get in the way. We yell at the weather, road construction, and too long lines. He doubts that yelling at things will have any impact, although we do yell with gusto. However, though sticks and stones may break our bones - “ words will break our hearts”--- perhaps even kill our spirits.

Recently, I spoke to 700 middle schoolers in a small town in Minnesota. My topic was bullying and how dangerous it is. I created a paper doll that was 4 feet high. I told a story about SERAL which stood for Self Esteem, Respect and Love. I made hateful comments to SERAL that I had collected from middle school students. Each time I made a remark, a student tore a section of the paper doll. I talked about harmful comments destroying a sense of self and slowly eroding the soul. As pieces of the SERAL paper doll fell to the floor, the quiet in the auditorium was palatable. Teacher led classroom discussions following my presentation focused on how respect is not present when statements are slanderous, either in person or on Facebook. Harmful tweets and sexting too can shred and destroy. Quirky comments have triggered fateful reactions that have led to lifelong grief and flower bedecked memorials. I noted that a local school district will staff a phone line all summer so that students who feel discouraged or isolated can call finding solace and needed emotional support.

I visited my 94 year old Aunt Hilde in hospice. She told me how her mother had scolded her as a young child. With stark clarity, she recalled the shame etched in her psyche because her mother told her she was never going to be worth anything. My grandmother told my Aunt Hilde, that she wasn’t smart, capable or anywhere near as bright as her sister. Hilde carried that pain to her death bed. Hilde whispered how she had tried to be a good person her whole life. She sighed and said, “ I have always worked very hard to show my mother that I was not the good for nothing she saw in me.” She had been burdened with stinging statements that fragmented her soul. She put her head back on the pillow and tears slid down her cheeks. I held her hand as she wept. The room was quiet. For over 85 years, Hilde had tried to eradicate her mother’s wicked statements.

Thoughtless statements destroy courage and grit. Beware. Be Thoughtful. Be Vigilant. Sticks and stones may break bones, but broken souls and exhausted spirits are far more difficult to repair or rebuild. The Solomon Island villagers may be on to something.

Lessons from the Dragonfly

2011-04-07T17:46:00.000-07:00

I am impatient with me. I had hoped to be smarter as I got older. I am trying to understand new ideas, learn new skills and stay engaged during times of change. I am taking deep breaths and learning lessons from the dragonfly.

Animal truths can be both strange and enlightening. The dragonfly starts out as very ugly insect whose gills force it to live in water for one to five years. Twelve or more times it sheds its skin; each time it remains water bound. Eventually it crawls from the muddy water emerging with a long slender body and gauze-like, iridescent wings. It has a whole new life-style. No more gills. No more ugly. It flies and breathes air. I think the dragonfly is about aging with determination, grace and fortitude.

Dorothy Briggs, in Celebrate Yourself writes, how “for years at a time, the ugly bug repeatedly shuffles off the outer skin that is no longer appropriate. It then needs to pull itself out of the mud and water to new life. Unless it does, it cannot use the power within. Had it tried to cling to the old limitations, if it refused growth and change, if it had waited for someone else to free it, it would never have emerged to fulfill the promise of its birth. Unless we remove ourselves from inappropriate past programming's that keep us mud bound and waterlogged --- unless we lay claim to the creative Life Force within --- we cannot fly free."

The message for me when I think of moving and shedding old skins is rethinking thoughts, learning new truths and understanding Pluto is no longer a planet. I need to risk grabbing hold of new viewpoints and strategies. I think doing same old same old over and over ends up being same too old. I hear old tapes playing from my heavy family history backpack. Must I listen? They are not helpful and have stick in the mud qualities. I can and do say – No more. Now I can and will act differently. Each day I am looking for tulips. I am listening to my inner music and trying to hum along seeking new green shoots and easing out of tired winter drab. Each day I am practicing a new flight pattern.

Recipes and Connections

2011-02-28T19:25:00.000-08:00

The confession is, I don’t bake except for Florence who is 90 years old. I buy cookie dough from a grandchild and bring my “home baked” gifts during my regular visits. My daughters have no “ mom’s favorite” recipes. My forte is romaine. This is not to say that keeping recipes isn’t important. I value and treasure an old, now yellowed, weary, and stuffed recipe binder I received as a wedding gift over 40 years ago. Carefully inscribed in the inner cover is, “ Kissin don’t last but cookin do!” Pithy guidance I have chosen to ignore. I do pay attention to the collected recipes.

David’s mother’s potato salad recipe, carefully written in beautiful penmanship, mentions proper potato preparation and warns not too add too much salt. Since her death, I have missed her frequent hand written notes. Hidden in the recipe between peel and salt amount, hundreds of memories vividly return. I recall a blueberry dessert I made adding 4 teaspoons of salt instead of the 1/4 teaspoon recommended. I still see my father in law requesting another serving while I was trying not to throw up. No one else wanted any more.

My friend Barb gave me a copy of every amazing dessert she made. I read the recipes and hear the laughter that accompanied the many meals we shared. She made the desserts and I did the salads. Secreted away in the recipes with complicated ingredients I recall the many miles we ran together and the million tennis matches we played. Right there in her dessert notes I see the sea of women running on Mother’s Day trying to eliminate the cancer that took Barb’s life way too early.

Two English women I adored shared how to create cakes and trifles. The women are long gone from my daily planner. I read their recipes and wonder about their children and their life journey. The recipes clang old bells in sacred places now dark and desolate.

I even found the Puffer recipe my mother made when I was a little girl. She was from Dresden, Germany and made it every Christmas until she died when I was 12. The recipe is an inheritance I guess. I still recall the taste of the brown sugar on my fingers.

Recipes for me are not about the food at all. They are archives providing evidence of important moments in my life. My birthday card from Elizabeth stated, “ A good cook knows that it’s not what is on the table that Matters, it’s what is in the chairs.” My recipes remind me who were in the chairs. They are journal entries that evoke a sense of continuing presence of those so influential in my life.

Friends - Easy Come - Easy Go

2011-01-26T15:34:00.000-08:00

I had hoped when I reached this age, I would be smarter. It always comes as a surprise to me how little I understand. I saw a poster that said, “ There is no reason for fear. One must just understand.” Well I don’t.

In a discussion with my daughter, she shared that there are three kinds of friends. I like the idea of 3. It is clear and simple. I remember 10 commandments, 101 poems, 13 original colonies, and 7 effective habits. I had hopes for 3 friend types.

There are “reason” friends, “season” friends, and “life - long” friends according to Heather. I have many “reason” friends. I find them safe. Everyone knows who they are. I have friends with whom I play tennis, car pool, travel, and attend classes. Once those events passed, once the REASON was over, we no longer chat. “Reason” friends are only messy when you think a “reason friend” is a “life-long” friend.

“Seasonal” friends are those with whom I have shared many a mile. These are people who were connected from the inside out. These were folks with whom I shared turkey dinners, tears, and soul discussions. However, something happened to them. We lost one another along the way. I still have their names in my address book yet we only share silence. They are no longer present in my daily planner. Our paths no longer cross. These are folks I once knew. “Season” friends seem to drift away. Now you see them, now you don’t.

“Life-long” friends keep showing up. John Mc Donald said that the difference between a friend and an acquaintance is one has to keep editing one’s self in order for the acquaintance to like you. A lifelong friend is one who takes you as you are, the good, the bad and the ugly, and still thinks you are special. Some marriages are between acquaintances. Mc Donald says you can spend two hours with someone and develop a friendship that will last a lifetime.

Isn’t life interesting? I just find it so hard when someone who is a “reason” friend masquerades as a “life-long”. I ache when “seasons” change and sacred moments become discount store sale items. I just find it so difficult when a “life-long” dies. There are no replacements. Dr. John Brattner was right. Each year plant perennials and annuals. That’s tough to do in the middle of winter in Minnesota.

Channel Switch and Channel Control - New Year Resolution

2010-12-27T07:33:00.000-08:00

In a book called Being Peace by Thich Nhat Hanh, there is an interesting idea that might provide guidance as we mush towards the New Year 2011. I am trying to stay grounded. I am hoping for common sense decision making. I have noted colleagues talking about resolutions that include Yoga, healthy food consumption and more exercise. Thich Nhat Hanh talks about the Buddha Inside and the control we each have from within. He suggests we should think about ourselves as a television set with many options.

There are people who are stuck on Channel 3, the sorrowful channel. They are always downbeat, complaining, sad and annoyed. They arrive with a “Hey ain’t it awful” attitude. Indeed there are real reasons to have Channel 3 at the ready. Stuff happens that does not fit into our work or life plan that is a Channel 3 event. Just today I mentioned to my daughter that some are dealt such challenging cards. The Vietnamese philosopher however believes, sometimes in our too much Channel 3 focus, we miss the other channels that are available and present. It is really like forgetting all of the colors available to us and only using blue. There is a Channel 5 that may be about focusing on the here and now. Just stopping and breathing and being present is switching to Channel 5. The other day I quickly moved to Channel 5 when I was washing my hands and delighted in the warm water. Holding my 22 month old grand daughter and smelling her hair and enjoying her laughter is pure Channel 5. I am finding Channel 5 a mini vacation moment during the workday. I just switch stations and go to a “Happy Place.” I find Channel 5 during a traffic jam and think of the tulips in Holland. I am then quite able to switch to Channel 8, which is about program directing and problem solving. Teaching classes requires a different channel. When I run, I flip to a relaxed no brainer channel and listen to my breathing and my feet crunching on the snow. Parenting requires a myriad of channels. We spent four days with three young children during the last big snow storm. At no time was Channel 5 an option. We needed to be multi faceted, focused and at the ready.

Recognizing that within is our own Channel Control is quite empowering. At times I have longed for a channel changer or clicker to use on others which allows one to switch channels from afar. Wouldn’t that be something if we could encourage others to celebrate the oranges, bright reds and greens of their lives?

Truth is we each need to pay attention to our own attitude and inner channel clicker. Gail Goodwin said, as soon as you feel yourself getting stuck like fat congealing on a plate, give yourself a kick. I am trying to avoid stuck at all costs. Thich Nhat Hanh says first you need to cherish, protect and make life possible and then work your way back to all other issues. The best way to make life possible is to practice channel switching and pay attention to wonders that surround us and worthy of cherish. This is not about ignoring sorrow. But it is about not wallowing in it. Many in sorrowful states have found the Buddha within to help them not only survive but celebrate. I am trying this new year to use all of my channels. I am even considering a cable hook up. 2011 is the year to keep calm and carry on.

Uncharted Waters - The Parent Journey

2010-11-16T19:13:00.000-08:00

Years ago the topic of parenting existed with 3 books in the local book store. Today whole sections are devoted to pregnancy, child development and specific books that will provide guidance, support, directions and instructions. Care has been taken to have cute or pithy titles, catchy phrases and compelling photographs designed to snag worried parents. Professionals write about which approach is best on listservs. As far as I can tell consensus and a clear concept of the truth continues to be evasive.

A well used approach is expecting obedience after instilling fear. Remember the old “ Wait until your father gets home!” That eroded relationships with fathers for years. I think it is “use the stick” approach which assures if you don’t behave, the following will happen. This weekend, a caring father assured me all was going well in his household. His teenage son was going to be an eagle scout, because if he didn’t complete the requirements, his cell phone would be taken away. He also assured me his son would continue to get top grades because if he didn’t all college funds would be cut off. The father loves his son and is trying to do what he thinks is best. The media is filled with other strategies that fit into this loving father’s view of parenting. Parents can rent a drug sniffing dog to check to bedrooms. V Chips in computers can prevent accessing questionable websites. New GPS devices will communicate where ever a potentially wayward adolescence might drive. This “you better do it” approach is the tactic a mother in the grocery store used as we were both trying to decide which head of lettuce was worthy of purchase. She assured her young child, that if he didn’t behave he would end up with his picture on a lost child poster. Another mother yelled at her child, shape up or I will put you in that trash can. Both kids became immediately quiet with wide eyes. This is about parent control, parent watching and parent knowing. As a result of parent vigilance, a student will achieve, behave and succeed. Really? The ultimate power of the powerless is disruption someone said. I think this strategy bodes trouble. Obedience out of fear does not lead to long term connection, trust and emotional safety.

Relationships based on love and respect nurture and sustain. Laurence Steinberg reminds parents that what they do matters. Children are watching. Parental behavior, attitude and actions are more influential than words and or threats. Parents establishing rules and limits, while avoiding harsh discipline is about building emotional scaffolding. Children need others to be the leaders in the home. When parents ignore their leadership role, there are many little ones running the household. I think the adage is, when the cat is away the mice will play. I see way to many freewheeling kids left on their own in shopping malls, homes, and on street corners.

“The River of Doubt” by Candice Millard is about Theodore Roosevelt’s journey down an uncharted tributary of the Amazon. Parenting is like that. Each of us is in uncharted waters. Parenting is about trusting not controlling. Parenting is about believing, guiding, supporting and letting go. Thoughtful parenting is about knowing when to portage. Although experts can be helpful, I see them too often waving from the shore. Parenting comes with rapids, shoals, and quiet moments of repose. Respect and love leads to following rules that apply to everyone. It is not about being in charge, but about each of us learning how to paddle. Such parenting establishes relationships where people are eager to share Thanksgiving. Passing the peas, the turkey and the gravy is different when folks at the table are afraid, controlled and worried. Sharing holidays is different when parents are trying to control, manage and determine outcomes. I know that providing hugs, saying I love, and “you will make wise choices” adds a festive air to that for which we give thanks. Fear and obedience are not comfortable guests at a Thanksgiving table.

Trying To Send The Best

2010-10-12T06:35:00.000-07:00

Card sending and receiving is not an easy task. I own boxes of cards with which I am unable to part. Cards from individuals who have since died are filled with kind caring words that bring me to tears as I recall moments now housed in memory. I treasure ‘I love you’ cards from my husband. Each one documents another year that mattered. I have cards from “once upon a time” friends who later decided I had “toad qualities.” They too bring sighs when I reflect on people I once knew. I have cards from my once very young children with smiling faces and carefully scripted capital letters decorated with smiling faces and hearts. What is better than that? The boxes reside in closets and the basement. Every once in awhile I decide it is time to tidy up. Those boxes are taking up space. I never get too far on that quest. I end up sitting on the floor rereading, remembering, re-wondering about past connections, past celebrations, and the stories that are my life. All the cards go back in the boxes. I must need them.

My sister has a birthday at the end of the month. Finding the card I could authentically sign took way too long. My relationship with my sister is just that. She is my sister. I have heart head struggles with that. My heart says send her a card. My head says why? I wandered aimlessly through racks of cards. I noticed the categories are quite extensive. Today one can begin and end a relationship with words carefully written with a choice of flowers, scenery, candles, tunes and humor. I don’t do well with funny cards. I find so many of them sneakily hurtful. Too often for me stuff said as a joke isn’t funny. I even saw a funny but hurtful card that would have worked for my sister. I couldn’t send that. But it was authentic. I look longingly at some cards that jump for joy about sister relationships. Someone said, family has to take you in. Sisters are suppose to matter. Parents are supposed to be loved. I hear many business groups say “We are like family.” What does that mean? The families I know are complex. In my view the assumptions about family and those about business are very different. Business connections can end. Family relationships ending can damage souls.

Cards that talk about shared love, adventures, connections and emotional safety fill the racks. My sister and I have a fragmented story. Our story has many cognitive reasons that our disconnect is. My heart, however, struggles with a hope and a wish. It takes energy, time and conversations to reconnect. I don’t think a card will do it. I also know email won’t. Maybe I will tweet her on October 21st? Would a text message be better?
Do people save tweets? Are there boxes of emails somewhere that bring tears?

P.S. Every mother hopes siblings will be there for one another. My daughters are connected as sisters and friends. I am sure my mother had hoped for better between Trudy and me.

School Starts - You Can Go - But Come Back Soon

2010-09-07T19:46:00.000-07:00

I teach a college class focused on family studies and parent involvement. I have thirty students who are eager to learn about family function and community connections. Early in the course, I talk about family systems and the early learning that occurs in the home. Parents too often miss opportunities unknowingly. Life lessons are taught in subtle ways.

I ask my students to create a mosaic illustrating their homes, their relationships and their roles within the family system. One student’s story is particularly prophetic. She drew a picture making sure to leave room between each member of her family as they all lead very separate lives. She and her sister and parents were drawn within a television. When she was growing up, there was a TV in every room. There was even a small one in the kitchen. When she got home from school she did her homework in front of the television. The family ate dinner together with the television on. Immediately after dinner, everyone disappeared into his or her own room. She wrote, “There was no communication in our house.” My student, now in her early 20’s, still doesn’t know how to talk about important things with her parents. She told me she had never learned how. Parents are life teachers. What is your curriculum?

September brings busy classrooms, parents watching little ones climb on large yellow buses and home schedules altered to include school ritual and routine. Coming and going from home to school and back home again impacts everyone in the family. Parents always tell me how busy they are. Children too have busy school days with special classes, music lessons and sports events carefully scheduled. Kierkegaard wrote about the “Idea of busyness: that state of constant distraction that allows people to avoid difficult realities and maintain self-deceptions.” Are we so busy being busy that we are not taking a careful look at the significant comings and goings of our everyday? Parents take years to teach children to swim, play hockey, or to read. Why not be as dedicated to teaching one another how to talk, listen, and share conversations? A thoughtful look at one’s reality might result in some changes in behavior. I know the days go slowly but the years fly by.

On my block, a father was helping his son learn to ride a bike. I laughed realizing too soon he would want the keys to a car. This year, we attended the State and Renaissance Fairs with our daughters, Heather and Elizabeth and their children. I think it was only yesterday our children were in strollers visiting the baby animals and gasping as the man juggled hoops on a rope high off the ground. I watched my grandsons, Jack and Charlie, get on the school bus this morning. I remember the day each of them was born. “You can go, but come back soon.”

Don’t be too busy and too distracted to celebrate the coming back soon. Relationships with televisions are tenuous at best. Television relationships have left my college students bereft and isolated. Returning to adults who listen and are interested matters.

A

Family Lessons Learned in the Art Institute

2010-08-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

As new residents of Minneapolis, David and I had no village. Our family consisted of David and I. When Heather was born we were three. I did not find Minnesota neighbors particularly friendly other than stern messages about preparing for WINTER. I did have a pediatrician’s phone number and quick access to the Automobile Club’s AAA. These were my 911 calls.

When Heather was three, we registered her for art classes at the Minnesota Art Institute. The lucky parent who provided transportation, got to roam the galleries waiting for the future artist to experience paint, glue, paper and crayons. It was own time for me. I was just Ada wandering the rooms. I had special favorites that I would visit. I liked the jade mountain with carefully carved figures and elegant inscriptions. I loved the marble veiled woman. She was so quiet and reassuring. “Mrs. T” ,an elderly woman dressed beautifully in silk always brought a smile. The Impressionists reminded me that before being a mother and a wife I had traveled and visited foreign places with strange sounding names. I can remember sitting quietly staring at the Monet haystack wondering what in the world I was doing in wintry Minnesota. The quiet of the museum was a sanctuary for me. The paintings, statues and even the never interrupting always watchful guards became familiar and welcoming. The place oozed a sense of emotional safety that permeated the many floors. I liked the comforting sigh that accompanied every time I walked into the building. While Heather was learning about different media, I was trying to figure out how to be a mother. I was certainly more skilled at looking at portraits and landscapes than I was putting a child to bed.
David’s position required quite a bit of travel and The Art Institute beckoned. It was cool in the summer and heated in the winter. The art pieces became friends who appeared always glad that I kept showing up. In looking back, I realized family lessons were being taught. The Art Institute provided a sense of village and connection.

The Children’s Theater productions were in the Pillsbury Auditorium and attending live theatre was a priority for me. I use to take Heather to plays suitable for young children. During the Three Little Pigs we were seated in the third row. Heather was so engaged in the story, she jumped right up and asked the Wolf if instead of eating the Three Pigs would he consider a peanut butter sandwich! The Wolf stopped mid stage and glared at the inquisitive little girl who so wanted the Three Pigs to survive. She is a Social Worker now. She started worrying about others in the third row of the theater in the Minneapolis Art Institute. Children learn early.

When in high school, Heather spent a semester in Paris. She wrote a lovely note, thanking me for taking her to a museum as a child. She was surprised to see so many of her classmates who did not know what to do in a museum. The museum allowed exploration, welcomed being curious, and created an atmosphere of learning. Heather too found museums a safe place anywhere.

Yesterday, I wandered through the museum with Heather and her two little girls. I am a grandmother who now again finds myself visiting my first community. The veiled lady, Mrs. T. and the Monet Renoir collections are still there for me. Mrs. T still looks welcoming. I greeted old friends and introduced them to my two granddaughters. The Chinese figures are still playing exotic instruments. Alison loved the ornate gold covered desk, the silk wall paper and the African masks. Ella laughed out loud when she saw the large dog in the entry way. As we left, Ella said, I like this place. I like how I feel inside when I go inside. Me too. As I left, I wandered if Mrs. T had missed me. I wondered if the veiled lady was surprised to see how much I have changed. She hasn’t.

Is This For Real?

2010-04-08T12:30:00.000-07:00

During an Arts Master Piece presentation given by my daughter to her son’s kindergarten class, the teacher abruptly interrupted telling all students to “Duck and Cover”. Children immediately dropped to the floor. This was a practice drill should an armed intruder threaten students or staff. Elizabeth heard her son say to his teacher, “Is this for real?” Kindergarten children are at an age when they are trying to figure things out.

Elizabeth’s heart sank knowing that such a practice was part of the curriculum. It is alarming to think that classroom management requires that children learn such tactics in a school in our communities. Elizabeth too had a curriculum that included how to be safe in case of a tornado. I remember getting under my desk because the Russians were coming. The recent teacher response to an armed student in Hastings, Minnesota reinforces the need for such practice and preparation. Charlie’s question during the drill was a good one. The teacher’s answer was probably, “ This is only a practice.” However, in Hastings it was for real.

These are confusing times. We just had Easter. During this time for some, reverence is held for a man who died on the cross who later left the tomb after a huge rock was moved. During this time for others, a large rabbit delivered colored eggs - jelly beans and sometimes gifts. Is this for real?

This spring break, Elizabeth and her family spent the week in La Jolla, California. On Easter, Elizabeth heard Charlie running up stairs when the house began to rock. Everyone ran outside waiting for the rolling to stop. His grandmother carefully explained how the house was built of wood and able to withstand the jolt. Charlie remembered pictures of Haiti and Chile. Is this for real? Days later, he still worries about the house, his safety and the fear experienced.

I read in the paper a lengthy discussion about the increasing numbers of homeless in the metro area, the need for school districts to lay off teachers, close schools and cut costs. My friend continues to search for a job having been out of work for over a year. I watch with alarm as our elected representatives are spat upon and called names and the number of physical attacks at the University of Minnesota continue to rise. At the same time that this is reported, so too is the sale of over 330,000 I Pads in a matter of hours, the wonder of an outdoor baseball stadium and the fact that the stock market is going up. Tulips and daffodils are mentioned in the same lecture describing the astonishingly quiet but deadly attack of the Emerald Ash Borer leading to the eventual demise of all the ash trees in our state.

Charlie at six is trying to separate myth from reality. He is trying to understand the differences between fantasy - truth and make believe. Frankly I too find the question a challenge. Is this for real?

January - Out with the Old - In with the New

2010-01-25T12:00:00.000-08:00

January heralds a new year, new resolutions and a new outlook. I tossed the wreath and stashed the holiday decorations with ease. I went through all of the holiday cardsone more time before tossing them out. Some of the cards are from people I only hear from during December. Our lives the other 11 months don’t seem to get on the radar. I don’t get that. Truth is it feels to me that the cards are a perfunctory action. Sometimes long letters are attached. Why? A once a year hello feels more like a “have to” than a “want to.” It is like flossing once a year before visiting the dentist. Flossing regularly, staying in touch regularly I think matter. Those once a year cards are easy to recycle.

My old running shoes too need to go. I am a careful aging runner. I know how important good running shoes are. I watch my mileage and strap on new shoes every 300 miles. This pair, though tired, is difficult to discard. These shoes have been regulars for three months. They are predictable, reliable and travel well. These shoes have been to Morocco and Tunisia in December. They accompanied me on my birthday in Marrakech which means Running Away in Arabic. Isnʼt that fun? Marrakech is known as the city of roses. My birthday morning I ran the main avenue that is lined with roses wishing everyone a “Bonjour!” I have sand from the Sahara in my shoes. These shoes were with me when I loped through cities that were built before Christ was born. Rarely did I see runners and certainly not women. The gate keepers at the hotels would smile, shake their heads and watch as my flashlight and I disappeared down the road. I often would run to town liking to watch the store keepers prepare for the day. I like watching a city wake up. My runs are “peeping Ada” through the neighborhood. Other days I would greet the day on an empty road watching the sun rise over the desert, barely able to breathe because of the beauty - the quiet and wonder.

Both Morocco and Tunisia are Muslim countries with long histories and traditions. Coffee is usually served at the table in heated pitchers with accompanying heated milk. After every morning run, I would wander into the dining area, sweaty and smiling. In my best Arabic I thanked well dressed waiters as I took two cups of coffee, one with milk, and headed for the hotel room. The waiters dressed in pressed shirts and pants would look curiously at the panting woman who kept smiling and saying “Bonjour.” More often than not, my running shoes have been my constant companion on many adventures. I love the stories that are part of the dirt, the sand, and worn soles of these shoes. I guess that is why some holiday cards are easy to throw away. They too are notabout shared stories. They might as well be addressed to occupant.

Rocks Mark The Spot

2010-01-13T07:12:00.000-08:00

January brings change. Our Sunday dinner is different in 2010. My family
comes to Sunday dinner. I celebrate the Sundays we share by noting the
change in our candle supply. I always think it is a positive sign when
I need to purchase more candles for the dining room table. This January
Abigail Mae, soon to be one, has joined us at the table. Where to put
her high chair changed the seating arrangement. Jack(9), Charlie(6),
Alison (5) and Ella(3) were consulted regarding my dilemma. Originally
I had considered moving places in a way that made sense to me. However
upon reflection, I remembered how important it was to Charlie where he
sat. I remember how worried he was when Alison wasn’t seated next to
him. I remembered how much Jack liked sitting next to grandpa. Jack and Charlie use special knives at their place settings. They are fancyhandled knives that we inherited from my husband’s mother. Alison and Ella
like smaller water glasses. Our daughters and their families have resulted in our using all of the table inserts on Sunday. I give thanks every time I grab a table cloth and napkins. I also thought about the many parenting stories about sharing power and teaching problem solving.

I asked the four older grandchildren to please solve the seating
arrangement riddle. The four of them disappeared requesting paper and
crayons. While making the salad, I heard involved conversations. The
children asked their parents for suggestions and input. Eventually I
was presented with a carefully drawn diagram of our table and where each
person was to sit. In addition, every family member signed his or her
name, approving change. The chart was given to me so that when I set
the table for the next Sunday dinner, I would be able to make the
appropriate changes. To add to the wonder, during our Thanksgiving
dinner celebrated at a resort on the north shore, the children had
painted small rocks with everyone’s name to help guide seating. The
rocks came home with us. They too have become part of the ritual.
Indeed some of the “ Alden Way” is a place for everyone and everyone
has a place.

This Sunday, we celebrated my husband’s birthday. The table was
carefully set following the diagram. Charlie likes putting the rock
place holders on the table to be sure there is no confusion. As I
looked around the table noting everyone seated in his or her designated
spot, I knew about blessing, grateful and a sense of inner peace. Long
after the table had been cleared and the bird shaped birthday cake had
been cut during a joyful round of “Happy Birthday” the children
continued to sit at the table participating in the conversation. Alison
leaned over and said, “ Grandma, we are growing up.”

We are all aging. We also know where at our dining room table there is
a special place for everyone. At our dining room table, we know about
belonging. At our house, a rock marks the spot.

Family Work Works

2009-09-11T08:15:00.000-07:00

The flyer arrived in my mail box. Bold lettering read, “Life’s too short to clean your own home.” The flyer includes a long list of tasks that will be done correctly. I noticed I have missed some key areas in my cleaning regime. Jean Illsley Clarke states. “The chores are the grist from which character and confidence are built.” Giving children chores or household tasks provides the ways means, and virtues of behaving responsibly. Children learn to appreciate the complexities of household tasks by being a participant not just an observer. Making beds, dumping trash, clearing the table and folding clothes teaches self help skills. Farm families have always known the importance of everyone sharing in the farm and family work. It is about belonging, connecting and being valued. During a lecture series in Fargo, a young boy came up to me and said how much he liked it when the Red River floods. “ My parents always say they need me to come to the river and fill sand bags. I like to be needed.” Household responsibilities teach children they too can contribute. Children learn that work is essential to physical and emotional development. Knowing how to do basic tasks teaches self-esteem and confidence.

Adults who have been overindulged according to Jean Clarke’s research, had parents who did not expect them to do chores. They had parents who did everything for the child and did not enforce rules, gave children too much freedom and let the child dominate the family. I recently worked with the staff of a private college who were worried that their own children would be like the college freshmen they observed in their daily work lives. They watched college students unable to handle money, attend classes, complete homework, or complete basic day to day living skills. I reviewed with them the importance of having children involved in family work. Dr. Marty Rossmann from the University of Minnesota, believes chores teach responsibility and set a child up for success in adult life.

Recently a reporter at the Wall Street Journal wrote about his need to spend time with his son. He hired someone to clean so time with his son would be treasured. A later column focused on the importance of spending time with his son doing the chores together. Messages about belonging emerge when a schedule of chores for all family members is created. Paying attention to child growth and development still allows for everyone to have a place and a responsibility. One years are very eager to help. Don’t miss the chance to teach how chores are to be done and create a system that includes chore rotation. Last Sunday, my friend told me her son was off to college. He was ready. He had done well academically, and knew how to cook, do laundry and keep a house tidy. He felt confident and prepared. Such skills are probably more important than high ACT scores.

Jay Walljasper says, “The state of our society and the health of our environment is built upon a foundation of small everyday events.” Children need to see adults problem solving, staying focused on the task of family living and paying attention to one another in civil and thoughtful ways. Life is too short not to include all family members in home cleaning, home enjoying and home play. A parent’s job is to prepare the child for the path and not prepare the path for the child. Child preparation includes broom, vacuum, dust rag, dish towel and laundry soap use. Child preparation is being included in small everyday events. Share the broom!

Lessons From Slovenly Peter

2009-08-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

In an old trunk I found a copy of Slovenly Peter I received on my 4th birthday. It was carefully inscribed, “ Happy Birthday! WE LOVE YOU! Mommy and Daddy.” I must have been a difficult child who needed strong strict guidance. The drawings and stories are dramatic and by today’s standards abusive. Clearly parenting through fear was encouraged. I looked at the pictures shocked how quickly their realities rushed back. I have carried the illustrations around for years in my mind’s eye…still familiar and still too scary. All of the illustrations were in black and white, dramatic and shocking.

Slovenly Peter stands with dirty hair and hands. He never cut his nails and his appearance is disgusting. My German mother was sure I was bathed everyday, was well scrubbed and probably never wrinkled. I remember knowing early that no slovenly was welcome in our home. Cruel Frederick was wicked. He caught flies and removed their wings. Frederick also killed birds, broke chairs and threw kittens down the stairs. He even whipped his nurse and his dog. Pauline played with matches and eventually caught fire. The drawing of her clothes burning was indeed dramatic. None of the stuff would have received a G rating.

Conrad sucked his thumb. His mother left him for the afternoon and the great tall tailor cut his thumb off with large sharp scissors. The lesson was clear. Don’t suck your thumb, as violent acts would follow. Other dastardly children’s deeds are addressed such as Frank the Liar and the Cry-Baby who eventually went blind. The Cry-Baby picture shows her trying to find her way as her eyeballs have fallen from her sockets and are down on he ground. The poem urges young children to rise and try to be cheerful everyday and avoid the terrible experience of your eyeballs falling out. My father often told me to go to my room and come out smiling. I am sure I did. I was learning how to behave at four. Peter was quite a teacher.

My father gave me other books that were amazing with wonderful illustrations. Robert Louis Stevenson, Rudyard Kipling, and Victor Hugo were authors with which I was well familiar. My father understood great authors, the importance of books and the power of language. He had no idea how to parent, however. He had no idea that a four year old needed to be been heard -not shushed. He had no idea that a four year old needed reassurance - not threats. Slovenly Peter was the only “you better behave parenting” book he could find. I didn’t like Peter and his gang of thugs and scribbled all over the cover.

I read recently that illusions are the truth we live by until we know better. We now know children need to be raised gently. We know that little ones ache to belong, to be loved and to be valued. The Chinese say that fear and love cannot eat off of the same plate. Children raised with fear view the world differently then those raised with love. How fortunate for my children that Slovenly Peter was replaced by Mr. Rogers.

Important To Show Up

2009-07-06T08:03:00.000-07:00

I know events are ripe with opportunities to learn life lessons. I am a student and continue to learn.

The Saturday walk was both aimless and meandering through a quiet neighborhood. The walk wasn’t about exercise but listening and connecting with my friend as she shared her struggle. Her 27-year-old son had moved home. He was no longer able to care for himself as AIDS ravaged his body. The latest medical report revealed the deterioration of the brain stem. Her son was having trouble walking. His speech had changed and he could not remember messages. Her son had come home to die.

A few weeks later, dear friends in California called. They were both in their late 80’s. Their daughter, age 62, had died. “We lost our baby,” they wept. “It is not supposed to be this way. We are not supposed to bury our Joy.” Children are supposed to outlive their parents. I think Cele and Duane’s future dimmed permanently after they buried their daughter.

Monday, a child came running up to me. “It’s my birthday on Sunday. I will be 12. I am so excited.” The mother walked up to me. “We have planned a happy time at the local amusement park. The babysitter has planned prizes and has tickets for all of the rides.” I commented on how that was going to be a busy day. The mother said, “I won’t be able to attend the birthday party. I have a meeting. The meeting has been scheduled for quite awhile and getting these people together is so difficult. I was shocked. “It is her birthday. I believe she thinks being 12 is significant.” I think children think parents should attend birthday parties.

I remember overhearing a conversation at an airport. An elegantly attired couple, were astonished that the school social worker had contacted them. Their son had told the school staff that there is never anyone home. The social worker was investigating. The affluent parents were quite annoyed. They explained quite loudly, “The nanny has been there ever since he came home from the hospital. “ I really think the 5th grader meant what he had said. There wasn’t anyone home.

Last week I spent 5 days in the Intensive Care Unit of Fairview Southdale Hospital. I occupied the same chair in the family lounge, became acquainted with many nurses, and walked many halls carrying my five-month-old grand daughter.

Intensive Care Family Lounge

One waits.
One paces.
One watches a slow moving clock.

Continue to breathe.
Continue to hope.
Continue to bear witness.

At the end of the fifth day, our son in law was released with a hopeful prognosis. I left late in the afternoon, noticing how someone else had quietly taken ownership of my chair.

The life lesson is simple. I thought of my friends and their tears. I know that feeling of “empty.” I believe attending birthday parties, soccer games, Sunday dinners, picnics and garage cleaning Saturdays matter. I believe there is great value in showing up and being present. Take time to be with those you cherish. Take time to be accountable – and to be counted.

Have you noticed how many have time to show up at a funeral whatever time or day it is held? Snatch now moments - now moments matter.

A Child's Perspective Matters

2009-05-05T12:36:00.000-07:00

Children have a big job. They need to teach adults important life lessons. Children have a different view – a whole other mindscape. During a family vacation, two-year-old Ella carefully wrapped her stuffed bear in a blanket, grabbed a small doll and headed down a path through the woods. Ella’s parents are observant and quickly chased her down. Her father explained to Ella she was not to leave the cabin alone. Ella looked at her father and then at her stuffed bear and doll. “ I wasn’t alone Daddy. I had two friends with me.”

The adoring grandparents live in Minneapolis. The grandson lives in Oregon. With great regularity, using a spiffy technological gadget, the grandparents can have lengthy conversations with the grandson via computer. The little boy sits in front of the computer, able to look and talk at length with his grandma and grandpa. The grandparents can see their grandson on their computer. Recently grandma flew to Oregon in need of a face to face meeting and long awaited hugs. As she walked into the home, her grandson came running. “Mommy! Mommy! Someone let grandma out of the box. Grandpa lives there alone now.”

A few Sundays ago Jack cleared things up for me. We often go on adventure walks. A pond near our home is filled with turtles, frogs, ducks, and bugs. Jack and I like to snoop around the pond after Sunday dinner. I take my grandmother role quite seriously. I was busy explaining important scientific truths. I talked about the water coming down the gutter. We then followed the water down the side of the street and observed how it would flow into the pond. We crawled around the large concrete pipe through which the water flows. We always carry plastic bags to clean up any trash before it gets to the pond. I talked about ducks and migration and ecology. I told Jack everything important from a grandmother’s perspective.

That’s when Jack picked up a long stick that had dropped from a nearby tree. “ Grandma,” he said. “I need this stick. I am going to catch clouds with it.”
The rest of the walk we talked about clouds and what unusual shapes they had. The rest of the walk Jack shared what he saw with me.

Brian Andreas said, “ Most people don’t know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don’t get too comfortable and fall asleep and miss your life.” I think children are those angels. Listen to children. Be sure to stay tuned.

Tether to Self - Survival Tip for Mental Health

2009-03-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

Tether Use and Awareness – Survival Tip for Mental Health

There was a time when farmers in the Midwest would attach a tether from their homes to their barns. There were many stories about farmers who after caring for their livestock, could not find the way to their own homes due to blizzards. Farmers have been known to wander off lost in their own backyards, confused by whiteouts and howling winds. The tether provided a sure connection to kitchen, to home and to warmth.

Blizzards can be defined in other terms. Although we are welcoming spring, a different kind of blizzard permeates my daily life. Stories of economic injustice, global warming, senator selection hearings, layoffs, slashed school budgets, and horrific stories of war, famine and personal agony fill the news. My blizzard includes dozens of flyers encouraging me to purchase stuff that is REALLY on sale. I have friends who are struggling with chemotherapy treatments, discourteous adult children and poorly functioning appliances. As I drive the expressway, drivers who appear to have lost their way in their own blizzards frighten me. They drive without an awareness of speed limits, other vehicles or rules of the road. They are clearly confused in some whiteout. Bank presidents, corporate executives, politicians, athletes and even some people in my neighborhood appear confused, lost and in need of a tether.

Leonard Cohen said it best. “The blizzard of the world has crossed the threshold and it has overturned the order of the soul.”

I realized last Sunday that my tether to the inner me is found by running. Neighbors have often asked how I was doing. I recall answering, “ I will be better in a few more miles.” There is truth to that. Running helps me remind me who I am. I also remember who I want to be. Recently daily tether runs are required. As I lope quietly listening to my shoes hit the path, listening to my breath, I know I am hanging on to the tether that connects me to my soul. It is a quiet, safe place just like the farmers kitchen hearth.

Animals Know- Children Know Too

2009-03-02T20:08:00.000-08:00

Hoteliers built Mfuwe Lodge in Zambia on an elephant herd’s annual migration path. The path leads to an appetizing mango grove. Although the hotel is elegant with brick columns, high ceilings and exotic blooms, ten elephants regularly walk through the main lobby sometimes four times a day for a mango munch. The elephants know where food is available and contractor blue prints ignored these travelers and their trunks.

People who dislike cats are the destination for cats when entering a crowded room. Cats know. I rode a horse on a trail ride when I was eight. I had begged for the opportunity since I had read every book about horses in our local library. Three minutes into the ride, I was terrified. I only liked horses described in paragraphs. The horse broke free from the orderly horse line, and bounded across an empty field. Petrified I hung on. The horse knew...

I recall the day I returned home late, weary, and grumpy. Sam, our golden retriever, and I had a regular routine. Usually, I came home at an ok time, strapped on my running shoes and Sam and I would take off. We would lope through the neighborhoods. On the evening I returned home so late, Sam had pushed open the hall closet, and removed a running shoe and placed it in the middle of the dining room floor. He had taken my second running shoe and placed it downstairs in the middle of the family room. He had selected my running shoes from tennis shoes, boots, and other running shoes that belong to other family members. The dog knew.

Why is it if animals are so smart we believe that children don’t get it? We need to believe that they can think, be competent, and learn to problem solve. We need to start trusting them early. When it comes to brains and ability I never met a kid that wasn’t smarter than any dog. I have never met a child who wasn’t more in need of attention than any cat. Children are capable. Why do we continue to discount them? Children thrive when they are trusted, encouraged to make decisions, and reassured with a consistent structure of rules and limits. Too often adults focus on filling toy chests, buying more videos or outsourcing their role as parent. Taking time to refuel the spirit provides energy and hope for the adventure of growing up. Present parents are daily presents in a child’s life. Children know.

Parenting Is Challenging Today

2009-02-03T12:39:00.000-08:00

James Garbarino in his book, Parents Under Siege provides strong evidence documenting today’s challenges. Parents today need to worry about managing their children’s access to the Internet. Many parents have told me their 8 year old had connected with someone on a Chat Line and planned a meeting at the Mall of America. We as parents need to evaluate the seriousness of children’s TV viewing. Leaving children home at all is of concern to researchers. Now we learn some of the intrigue may be on the television. What is that private plug in tutor teaching our children? What is the language modeled? Are the relationships depicted the sort that we as parents hope for our children? What about the clothes suggested most suitable?

Parents are living with children who are the target audience for 40,000 televisions commercials per year. They are “constantly responding to children who are in league with advertisers whose main interest in them is as consumers, and who are shameless in exploiting their naiveté.”

Parents have stiff competition when it comes to modeling the core values of respect, care and character. We live in “a culture that hammers home the message that our self-worth depends on the cars we drive, the clothes we wear, and the ski resort, private island, or fun park we visit on vacation. “

During parent education seminars, I encourage parents to ask families where their children visit, if guns are available. Today we all deal with “the threat of guns and bombs being used against children and teenagers in schools and community” Parents need to manage boundaries both in the home and the neighborhood.

Children cannot be raised by remote control. They need strong parental supervision coupled with clear expectations of and responsibilities to one and another I believe it was a famous one liner in HIll Street Blues that fits. Be careful out there. That old adage continues to be true today. What has changed is the out there.

Birthdays Matter

2009-01-29T13:33:00.000-08:00

A birthday celebration really focuses on one individual and provides evidence that in this complicated world the person is cherished. A birthday is the anniversary of a person’s birth and marks the passage of time in a life. Birthdays really are a celebration of life.

Henri Nouwen said it best. “Celebrating a birthday is exalting life and being glad for it. On a birthday we do not say: “ Thanks for what you did, or said, or accomplished.” No, we say: “ Thank you for being born and being among us.”… Celebrating a birthday reminds us of the goodness of life, and in this spirit we really need to celebrate people’s birthdays every day.”

I teach an undergraduate class at a local University. During a complicated conversation focused on family systems, a student mentioned how much she disliked sharing birthdays with her sister who was born in the same week of the same month although years apart. “We always had a shared birthday!” Everyone agreed on the importance of ”own birthday” recognition. I don’t think it is the gifts or decorated cakes that drive the disappointment when the celebration is shared. What is significant is having a moment on that special day that separates you out and assures you matter. I believe a half sandwich with a flag on top would be welcomed when it conveys the recognition, celebration and awareness that on that special day you are noticed. Even twins have told me, they prefer separate cupcakes or separate cookies.

Truth is young and old alike flourish when everyday someone says I care for you. Truth is there is hope when everyday someone says you are important. I am glad you are here. A birthday hurrah heralds and assures your presence is noticed. I believe long after the sparkle, the candle glow and song of celebration, a birthday celebration lives quietly in memory bringing a smile and an inner glow for the 364 days that follow.

Calendar Chaos

2009-01-05T13:21:00.000-08:00

It is January. I am already anxious. I read a helpful guide written by Martha Stewart. I keep articles that will provide guidance and a calming influence. First, she recommended taking January off to prepare your personal calendar. Now that is heady goal setting! Planning for 2009 is not something to be taken lightly. Planning the schedule for the year will “eliminate confusion, double booking or forgetting key experiences.” She had my attention. One should schedule dog cuts, hair cuts, nail cuts, lawn cuts, driveway repair, rock repair, garden cleanup and fertilizing --- to name but a few. Dinners, theater seats, and special events will assure a happy year. Doctor appointments, check ups, bike repair, shoe repair, utility repair, all done in advance -- look, no worries. Martha's planning is impressive.

I am afraid it is too late for me. No wonder I am anxious. My washing machine breaks down totally disregarding the scheduled visit from the repairperson. My kids never needed a physician on a planned visit. They always threw up early Friday evening when the only thing on the calendar was a babysitter. My calendar was often under the direction of soccer coaches, bandleaders, quick trips to the orthodontist when the wires broke, emergency grocery store runs, sudden snowstorms, neighbors needing a ride and teacher conferences.

Maybe that is why Martha can do this calendar stuff. It is her calendar, her schedule, and her life. My 2009 calendar is a gala of events- a cafeteria of experiences, hastily scribbled-- brightly colored--- and sometimes realigned with White Out. My calendar is a diary--- an adventure that every week writes its own story. With wisdom, courage, and hope I look at January. I look forward to the dramatic changes, the unknowns, snatched moments with loved ones, and the good sense to celebrate the ordinary. Hey Martha--- hang on to your hat. Someone said, “ Don’t plan too far ahead. Plan for surprises!”
Let's enjoy the ride.

Summer Farewell

2008-11-01T08:35:00.000-07:00

Change – Rituals and Routines = Stress

I know that “Rituals” and “Routines” provide solace and emotional scaffolding during times of stress and change. I tell parents regularly how important it is to be steady, stable and consistent. I know it gives children comfort. I need to practice what I preach. November is clearly a month of change. I might add October was no slouch. I too need comfort, consistency and safe haven.

I have spent this spring and summer running past gardens, through tree-lined paths and along country roads. I remember catching sight of the first daffodils and cheered as leaves exploded on trees around the pond. I admired tomatoes, pumpkins, beans and squash in our neighbor’s yard that had an electric fence surrounding their produce to keep marauding rabbits out. No wonder rabbits feasted on our blooms. We are electric fence free. I met a five-year-old waiting for a bus with her father who was quite excited about her lost tooth, a newly found maggot and a bunny she spotted in the bushes.

Sometime in April or May I wrote an article entitled, “Don’t Let This Summer Slip By!” I didn’t. I was mindful about warm days, amazing sunsets and enjoyed fresh produce from the Farmer’s Market. I purposely lingered when we were on family vacation, trying to stash all the memories in a special place to be recalled during the below zero chills of January. I remember being so grateful so many times this past summer when my family all sat at the dining room table for Sunday dinner. I took mental snapshots holding the moments as sacred.

I have no intention of letting this fall slip by. The leaves gently seem to wave farewell as they carpet our grass with bright yellows and reds. I even heard some say, “Thanks for the memories!”

Advice shared by Pilar Gerasimo is, “ In times of high anxiety and frustration, before desperately grasping for solutions not yet within your reach, focus on fully applying the solutions you already have at your disposal.” I intend to use my head, hands and feet. The leaves are raked. The gutters are cleared. I have spent time emptying my terra cotta pots and stored them in the garage. I am as careful with my pots as I am with holiday ornaments, I might add. I have found my running tights, hats, and gloves. I even found the light I wear strapped to my head for protection in the too dark early morning runs. I guess I am ready. I will recall the memories carefully stashed in my memory bank. I will keep my routines and my rituals that help me stay connected to my inner compass. I think the change and stress that is disturbing is the speed with which my life seems to be whirling by. The calendar pages are quickly turning. I know taking time to enjoy each day is encouraged. “Stay in the moment” highly respected experts say. I am a slow runner. I think my routine of running everyday is hoping to slow the pace – hoping to take a moment to savor the lovely time I have in such a high speed – fast tracked seasonal switch that we call life in Minnesota.

Home Is Where The Learning Begins

2008-09-10T07:34:00.000-07:00

Last month, I taught a parenting session for staff at a local college. As parents they were concerned that their own children might exhibit the behavior they were observing in the freshman class at their work site. College students appeared ill equipped for the decision-making, self-discipline or self-responsibility skills necessary to succeed on the college campus. The staff are keen observers and wanted parenting suggestions so that their own children would be better equipped for academic success when they were college bound.

Farm families have always known the importance of everyone of all ages helping out. Life lessons and skills are learned everyday. We need to move that learning into our city lives. Being responsible gives a child a sense of pride. Providing opportunities to be helpful is part of a parent’s job description. Giving children chores or household tasks provides the ways, means, and virtues of behaving responsibly.

Between the ages of two and three, children can pick up their toys. They will still need help and reminders but establishing a regular toy pick up time helps them learn about routines. Perhaps just before dinner parents and children can sing a clean up song while together they did the family work. Good childcare centers have done this for years.

Between ages three and four, children can undress and dress themselves with a little help. Having children select their own clothes helps develop a sense of I am capable. It is often fun to have the child wear a sign that says, “I dressed myself!” This also diminishes confusion experienced by other adults when the two year old always wears the ballet dress. Assisting in the kitchen is important and fun. Not only is responsibility developed, children learn nutritional facts. They can put the napkins on the table, put vegetables into a salad or stir ingredients in the bowl.

Between ages four and five, children can bring in the mail or the paper. They can practice self-care by brushing their teeth, using soap and water, and brushing their hair. Getting up to an alarm clock, putting clothes in the laundry and returning clean clothes to correct drawers all provide a sense of accomplishment. Children also like spreading peanut butter on bread, assisting in making tacos, and adding ingredients to the hot dish. Building on these skills as children age is smart family management. It is helpful to create a schedule of chores that all family members perform creating a system that includes chore rotation with everyone contributing to well being of the family. Everyone matters is the message that matters.

I wonder if those first year college students had parents who did not expect them to do chores and did too much for them? I wonder if those college students had parents who did not enforce rules and let the children run the household? Jean Clarke teaches that chores are the grist from which character and confidence are built. Both of my daughters did well in college. They also are skilled with vacuum cleaners, mops, dust clothes and snow shovels. They know how to care for tackle boxes, wax skis and change tires. Home is where the learning begins.

Platypus Politics

2008-08-11T13:50:00.000-07:00

The Wiradjuri people from New South Wales share a story that often comes to mind when I hear about which group matters, which doesn’t and who will carry us in the coming elections. The story relates how very early the animals, the water creatures and the birds were all vying for what they thought was the top position. Each group was sure they were the ones who deserved special attention, notoriety and accolades.

The birds decided to invite the platypus. She belongs with us cried the birds. She lays eggs and has a bill like a duck. The platypus graciously declined. She did say she would think about it.

The animals held a meeting. The kangaroo thought it would be wise to invite the platypus. She is different in many ways but she runs and is covered with fur. She should join the animals. The platypus liked the attention, but decided to think about it.

The big fish chaired the meeting of all the water creatures. Inviting he platypus was on the agenda. The platypus is one of us. She has webbed feet and is a fine swimmer. The platypus smiled and decided to think about it.

The platypus went for guidance from the spiny echidna. “ Don’t join any group,” she advised. The platypus wrote to everyone. You are all my friends. I understand birds, as you must too keep eggs warm. I know about water creatures because I too like to dive to the depths and explore. I feel a connection to those who run on the land and are covered with fur. I am grateful that a little of me is like all of you.

I like the idea that the platypus is similar to many and also unique and separate. Too much energy is spent on determining who is on top. Truth is we are all in this together. The platypus knew that.

Our political pundits would be wise to ponder the wisdom of the platypus. “Platypus thinking” is focused on shared connections, shared outcomes, and the need for a shared future. Such conversations bring to mind decisions based on a moral compass not on who matters most or what differences are significant. It is the connections - the parts that are alike that resonant with our shared need for tomorrows, survival and hope.

Neighbors - We've Got Trouble Right Here!

2008-07-03T07:21:00.000-07:00

There is evidence that our community is in trouble. I believe we better start paying attention to what some might consider “small stuff.”

Daily I pick up bottles and cans tossed along the roadside. I always run with a plastic bag that is usually full by the time I return home. Drivers and their passengers have decided someone else is in charge of trash pick up. I am reminded of the high school kids I queried as to why they threw their trash on the floor in the cafeteria although large canisters were three feet from the lunchroom tables. With out missing a bite a young man looked surprised and said, “That is why we have janitors.” Yesterday I played tennis at one of our public courts. Tennis players leave cans, bottles and plastic containers everywhere. I don’t recall any such debris at Wimbledon. The ever present number of plastic cans and bottles convey a message to commuters and park users that we don’t care. What does one more can or bottle matter anyway?

Far more alarming is the increase of graffiti. Our back fences, roadways, street signs, sidewalks, running paths and electric boxes have become canvases for some disturbing artwork. My daughter taught me long ago, that such small scribbles indicate conversations between gang members or “gang wanna-bes.” On one of my running routes there is hot and heavy talk going on between those using red paint and those answering in white. By ignoring such commentary, we are saying, “You are welcome here. It is OK to paint our town.” By ignoring the painted scribbles, we are saying, “Write what ever you like. We are too busy to stop, to care, to cover it up.”

Early this morning I ran along an old railroad track in Minnetonka. In the tunnel located under Highway 101 someone has covered all of the grafitti with gray paint. The message is clear. We will not tolerate such language…such conversations… here. Stop the conversations. Paint over the gang language. Pick up the cans and bottles. Stop the trashing both in talk and in stuff. This isn’t small stuff. This stuff oozes and erodes.

Woods and Meadows - A Life Perspective

2008-04-09T14:30:00.000-07:00

My family has experienced some difficult medical situations during the last few weeks. My friends know about my struggle and worry and have provided support, care and gentle reassurance. During a conversation my friend’s question was clear and probing. “Are you out of the woods yet?” I quickly answered, "I don’t think you are ever out of the woods." I had never made that statement before. Perhaps when I was younger I believed eventually troubles would end and clear skies and no more woods would result. I am older and wiser now. I have learned that life is made up of a variety of woods – a variety of challenges or tough situations. During moments of peace or tranquility I now know the woods are still on the horizon. I do believe however, that there are amazing snatched moments found in the meadows located in the woods. I think the meadows are of different sizes and shapes. They can be surprises or planned events – regardless, meadows should not be ignored but celebrated.

I have spent many days thinking about this meadow thought of mine. I have read books encouraging one to stay in the present. Many pundits trumpet ‘Be focused in the now.’ I even heard a monk in Thailand tell me to listen to my breath and hear the moment – hear the present – let everything else go. Well frankly, I can’t do that. I need something else to pull me to an awareness that now is to be cherished. I need something else to remind me that at a given moment in the woods there is a clearing deserving attention.

I am reading a book about aging artfully. One of the core concepts is the necessity of exercise. “Vigorous activity of mind and muscle is the secret of better aging,” states Sherwin B. Nuland professor of surgery at Yale. Couch potatoes beware! Nuland encourages thinking and moving. The time running is a meadow in my mind. I get to forget about my worries and put one foot in front of the other. Running with friends regardless of the weather is a meadow. On Sundays we talk about politics, religion, gas prices and public education. Dr. Nuland would like the fact that our minds and feet are moving as we age artfully. We are multi tasking! Meadows are snatched cups of tea, a lovely voice singing on the radio, or any moment that provides comfort, solace and a sense of ease.

Recently life events have been difficult. Recently I have had many say, “It isn’t fair.” I don’t think life is about fair. It is about paying attention to paths through the woods and not missing the meadows whenever they occur. As we head into spring, I will be looking for meadows – looking for those moments where I feel safe, emotionally calm and not in need of armor.

Year Round Valentine

2008-02-13T13:16:00.000-08:00

The request came from a colleague who too is a parent educator. Write about the need and the importance of cherishing children. Write about the importance of saying “no” to children. Write about children and their understanding of words like justice, freedom, liberty, and integrity. Children should not be growing up “pumping bullets into someone else.” Too many newspaper articles and too many lead news stories focus on the explosive results, which occur when children, guns and violence collide. Why is it that stoplights are constructed at dangerous corners only after a pedestrian is hit? Policemen, parents, shop owners are killed. What is happening to our children?

Actually we have known for years what kids need. Attachment theory assures that secure parent-child relationships influence how children interact with and react to parents and to others. Securely attached children are more responsive, caring, and competent in their interactions with others. Rejected children avoid or resist their parents and experience rejection by their peers. Rejection leads to loneliness and an inner sense of personal dissatisfaction. When there is no attachment, children feel threatened which can be detrimental to their self-esteem and interpersonal relations. It is this isolation that leads one to connect with guns as a reliable support.

When people aren’t there for you, when people don’t believe and care about you, the abandonment can lead to outbursts of anger, rage, and violence. We know that the ultimate power of the powerless is disruption. Nothing is emptier than feeling without power, without value, without purpose. Carrying a weapon is a form of protection against the inside feeling of “I’m no good.” What each child needs is the knowledge, that I am someone’s valentine every day of the year. What each child needs is the assurance I do not have to grow up alone. It is in the dark corners of abandonment and isolation fear slowly festers into rage and violence.

Recipe for Family Success

2008-01-13T12:55:00.000-08:00

I was asked to share my favorite recipe to be included in a good by book for a colleague. Although happy to be asked, I am not the best one for recipes.

In my dictionary, recipe is described as a formula for compounding a medicine, a formula for making a dish or a means prescribed for producing a desired result. The desired result definition is the one that fits for me. Although I enjoy good food, I am much more interested in the table and the people sharing the meal. I have eaten wonderful food with miserable people. I don't remember the food. I also have eaten OK food with wonderful people and recall such moments with smiles.

My family comes to Sunday dinner. I enjoy the time I take preparing for their arrival. My husband usually cooks wonderful things while I carefully set the table with a cloth, napkins and a candle. I believe the family dinner table is holy ground. Evidence of my personal success is measured by the number of times I need to replenish my candle supply. When Heather went off to college, she too lit a candle at dinner with her roommates. They wondered if it was Thanksgiving. Heather assured her friends; it is just the way her family had always done it. Candles and dinnertime were always connected. Tuna sandwiches by candlelight can be quite festive. Candles, quiet music and snatching the moment in our busy lives is a way to celebrate and yes even give thanks for time together. Having a special place at the table matters and teaches belonging. Family therapists talk about how families really are their meal times. Recent research indicates that girls who eat with dinners with their families are healthier and less overweight. I think time with family is what matters.

So many opportunities to talk and share are lost when mealtime is a drive by stuff the food in experience. Great food from amazing recipes eaten in front of a microwave is not a desired result. At our house, we all wait for everyone to be seated before we begin eating. I think it is the together stuff that constructs the emotional scaffolding necessary for family well being. The food nourishes not only our bodies but the time shared nourishes souls. Long after the dishes are done and the candle is snuffed out, these shared times are a recipe for strong connections and hopeful tomorrows.

Wall of Honor

2007-11-18T11:28:00.000-08:00

I like visiting people in their homes. Where and how they live provides interesting insights into what is valued and significant. Usually my friends live in homes that represent them, their beliefs, and their sense of family. I have been to homes of acquaintances that too represent their values. I suspect someone clever carefully designed the interior to match a colorful magazine article or new trend. The houses were lovely but didn’t feel like a home to me. I think how and where people live is interesting. With that perspective, I have been studying my own living quarters.

We clearly have enough books. Books in my view never let you down. I learned early, answers could be found in books. I obviously have a lot of questions. I also believe keeping all the books is important. Truth is new carpeting would be smart. But the thought of moving all those books to make room for carpet is overwhelming

Family photographs of the children, their spouses and the grandchildren smile eagerly from every available surface throughout the house. We have photographs from all ages and stages. Nobody, not visitors, friends, delivery or repair folk, ever mention our books, our photographs and our meaningful clutter. Everyone notices our wall of honor.

In the garage, an entire wall is covered with running numbers carefully stapled in position. When we moved to our present house 16 years ago, my husband transferred the old numbers to the new wall. The numbers record miles of running and buckets of sweat. Interesting too is winning happened only once. There are father/ child runs when Donaldson’s was still a department store. Everyone got shirts that said “hurrah for dads.” My daughters now grown women with children of their own, recall with such fondness finishing while holding on to their father's always supportive hands. Another number has a black ribbon stapled to it. It was a race in honor of a woman executive that was murdered in a parking lot. Another was run simultaneously with thousands of other runners around the world promoting awareness of hunger. There are too many Race for the Cure numbers to count. There are too many sheets with too many names of women who have fought cancer with valor. Marathon numbers seem comfortable next to the many 10 K runs. I remember one during which my fingers turned blue because I was so cold. Some of the races I ran with my daughters grateful for the time-shared and pleasure of hearing our footsteps on the pavement. Clearly it is not about distance but about participating. It is not about winning but showing up.

Every time I park our car, I walk into the house past our wall of honor. Saving the numbers on the garage wall is a good idea. I wish I had put the dates on them. In our travels I have visited ancient sites where cave dwellers carved their stories into the rock walls. All who visit too can view our story. Our wall is evidence of shared laughter, tears, determination and sweat.

A

Juvenile behavior - Cause? Effect?

2007-10-29T04:36:00.000-07:00

Juvenile delinquents -cause and effect?
By Dr. Ada Alden
There is serious trouble in the Pilanesberg National Park in northwestern South Africa. Rangers, for the last three years, have been distressed by the discovery killed white rhinos, about one a month. Imagine their surprise when they discovered the the same phenomenon was happening at Hluhluwe Umfolozi Park in the southeastern section of the country. Often the suspects are poachers grabbing the horns of the rhino for illegal sales around the world. This was however not the case as the animals were left intact- horns and all.

Using their best Nancy Drew -Sherlock Holmes methods, the rangers solved the mystery of the monthly murders. One of the first clues was that he wounds had been caused by long sharp objects not gunshots. The murderers were pachyderms- young, aggressive bull elephants that killed the rhinos by kneeling on them after knocking them down.

The curious theory behind these murders should give on reasons to think. Granted the theory is not proven -- but it is interesting. The elephants may be depraved. As young elephants, they were removed from their slaughtered parents during a culling operations in the Kruger National Park and relocated to establish elephant populations in parks and private reserves throughout the country. The good news was the populations of the elephants was preserved. The bad news may be that usually elephants are raised in tight knit groups and this close connection was severed. Since 1978, almost 1500 orphan calves, 600 of them males, have been moved to unfamiliar locations and raised with no exposure to adult elephants or the hierarchical social structure that defines elephant life. Marian Garai, a Swiss-born zoologist says that normally a dominant older male elephant is around to keep young bulls in line. The displaced calves have no role models. This may have had a profound effect on the elephants’ psychology.

Park rangers brought in two adult female circus elephants to the Pilanesberg Park and the young elephants settled down. Next year, a few 40 year old bull elephants will be moved to the area to add their wisdom and support. Now entire families of elephants are moved. No longer in the culling are the young separated from the parents.

There are lessons for us who are curious enough to pay attention. Maybe youngsters of all types need time with adults? Maybe it isn’t healthy to have three year olds guiding three year olds. Maybe too many 7th graders on their own is asking for trouble? Maybe with out clear guidelines and connections our young will run rampant through the South African park or the streets depending on your location. A recent Star Tribune article focused on the increasing numbers of children joining gangs. Authors David Chanen and Terry Collins ended the lengthy column by commenting on how parents are not taking an active interest in their children's lives. I believe it is Rollo May who said, when one’s sense of self worth and self esteem is threatened, individuals resort to acts of violence.

Two friends from Minnetonka High died in a terrible car crash recently. In the Star Tribune story by Tom Ford he stated that adults held hands and made a human circle around the students who were mourning for deaths. Both parents and students were grieving. However the adults seemed to have created a protective circle around the young. Generational connections can not be maintained and nurtured via instant messaging. .
Our future depends on adults who recognize the importance of being present, predictable and and accountable.

Running Lessons

2007-10-29T04:10:00.000-07:00

Running Lessons

David Walsh, recently interviewed by Bill Moyers on public television, believes that children learn through observation and then they imitate what they’ve observed. He is often quoted by local media as a thoughtful and concerned physician worried about violence. Times are changing. Home, community, and societal values used to be synchronized as to what was best for children. If Walsh is right, we should consider what we are putting into our children's learning experiences. What are they observing? What does it mean to be a grown up? What messages are we sharing with children about being an adult? What are modeling regarding commitment and responsibility?

I have been surprised by the many lessons our children learned from their running mother. I remember training for my first marathon. Heather once said, “Mom when you leave for a long run you look like Kathryn Hepburn. But when you come back you look more like Henry Fonda.” My appearance change was the result of those long training runs that usually took all of Saturday morning. I remember going to grocery stores in the afternoon barely able to move the cart. Heather helped push the cart as I studied which bread and milk to purchase.

There were many evenings when I was the only parent home. I would have the girls turn on the front porch light and I would run up and down the street. If they needed me, I could easily be contacted by flicking the light. They often encouraged me to go for a run as my attitude improved after a few miles.

During their growing up years I found running a quiet place where I could realign my thinking. I could listen to my breathing and reconnect with the calm, mature mother I wanted to be. Trying to be an attentive able parent could on occasion result in an exhausted, too loud – too worried woman. Running helped me find inner peace. I have kept the following quote tucked safely in drawer for years

I congratulate the long distance runner for his self-discipline.
I share with him his loneliness. I envy him his peace. Pierre Trudeau

Trudeau was trying to run Canada at the time. I found running a household equally as challenging. I resonated to the use of loneliness, self-discipline, and peace. I know being the parent I wanted to be required self-discipline and was often lonely. Our daughters are fine able mothers today. They do a fine job raising four amazing grandchildren. I have noted however, they both run. They too have learned the value of taking time to “get away” and regroup. They need to become the mothers they want to be. They too are trying to create a home of connections, communication and commitment. They watched their mother struggle. They too are finding their way with running shoes, sweaty socks and sunblock. They too are learning life lessons on the road.

Jack's Run - Lesson in Courage and Hope

2007-09-03T19:28:00.000-07:00

Traditionally, grandchildren pick up life lessons from their grandparents.
This grandmother is learning the power of courage and hope from her beloved Jack.

My daughter visited Jack’s kindergarten to share a book, as she always does. The story is about Leo the Late Bloomer, a tiger that learns lessons and skills when Leo is ready to learn. Leo “blooms” with new skills and new understandings. Jack’s mother quietly discussed learning and blooming and understanding new connections. She encouraged the eager five and six year olds to consider how they had bloomed in their first year of school. Then she passed out pieces of paper cut in a tulip shape. The plan was for students to draw something he or she had learned in kindergarten creating a garden of all their tulips together displaying the kindergarten’s blooming successes.

Returning to their desks with the tulips, the little ones concentrated, heads bent over their illustrations, then returned to the reading circle to share the accomplishments they’d thought of. One little boy could write all the numbers from one to one hundred. Another could tie his own shoes. A girl had filled her tulip with neat addition problems like 2+2=4 and 3+3=6. A beaming child proudly displayed his tulip filled with all the letters of the alphabet. Then came Jack’s turn.

His drawing was complicated. It showed a boy in a hospital bed by an IV pole with tubes from the bag running to a port implanted in the boy’s chest. Next to the bed, a woman in a chair, wearing a purple sweater, was reading a book. Jack said, “This is me getting my infusion treatment every Monday. This is my mother next to me. She comes every Monday and reads to me. This year I learned courage.”

In 2005, Jack was diagnosed with a rare genetic condition, called Hunter Syndrome, or MPS II, one of the disorders of mucopolysaccharidosis that inhibits enzyme production and affects vital organs, nerves, bones, and such functions as respiration, hearing, and joint movement—scary stuff. Jack has been responding well to a new treatment that became available less than a year ago. Although no cure is known yet, Jack’s physical improvement is actually noticeable, and we’re hopeful.

Last year friends and family organized a wonderful event called “Jack’s Run” to raise awareness and funds for research.The second annual Jack’s Run, for the hundreds of children like Jack waiting for treatment and hoping for a cure, will be in Eden Prairie on September 22, 2007. Online registration for the run is at www.jacksrunformps.org. or contact aldenpope@msn.com for information.

Jack turned seven in June, and has taught his grandmother, and many others, some important grown-up lessons about courage, determination, and love of life. Regardless of the evidence, I’ve held fast to hope. Seeing the evidence changing feels like quite a blessing.

Toys Are Not Us

2007-08-22T13:37:00.000-07:00

There seems to be rancor between adults who care for and about children. The battle lines are drawn about whether to play or not and what toys are helpful, harmful, unnecessary and or a must have. Elkind has written an interesting book about the Power of Play. He was concerned about toys long before the recent recall due to lead paint coatings. Children have always learned something from the toys with which they play. The lessons today are different. Toys use to teach manners, morals and social roles. Today toys are automated, micro chip or battery run. Industry analysts estimate that at least 75% of toys arriving for holiday consumption will have embedded computer chips. These are not toys that can be taken a part to comprehend the inner workings. Many are not toys with which a child does something. These toys seem to have lives of their own. Standord Univeristy students are equired to play with erector sets to learn how things work and are connected.

Toy play can encourage imaginative and fantasy play. I remember a cardboard box a fine teacher used in her classroom. One day the box was a train. Later in the week it morphed into an ocean liner. Children eagerly entered the classroom to discover what had happened to the large cardboard box over night. Wonderful interactions took place inside the ever-changing box. Today children have so many toys they barely have time to figure out the possibilities. Why so many? Toys use to arrive at holdays and on birthdays. The rest of the year was about playing with the toys one had and thinking about toys that might arrive under the tree months away. Now toys are everywhere. Museums, drugstores, grocery stores, restaurants, zoos, parks and convenience stores have a thriving toy section. Toys are part of movie and food promotion. Seems to me toys today are teaching consumerism and children are the target audience. Toys accompany films and fast food. What the characters do often determines what the child can do. I wonder about young children's plastic heroes. Do they know about picnics? Do they go to the library? What about family dinner? What are they teaching little ones about what to do with time?
Fantasy and imaginative play occurs in the early childhood years. Since children spend so much time in front of screens of some sort, there is little time for exercising their predisposition for fantasy, imagination, and creativity. These are the mental tools later required for higher levels of math and science.

A Parent Education Newsletter said it best!
Remember that play should:
Be controlled by the child
Paced by the child
Emphasize process rather than product
Be messy at times
Use mostly toys, which require 90% input from the child and 10% input from the toy.

The large cardboard box prepared children for physics, calculus and algebra. Children are learning all of the time. I think there is value in choosing toys that are not battery run or need a power source. Children learn about themselves and the world through their interactions with people and things. What lessons are you teaching with your toy puchase dollars?

Animal Truths Make Good Sense

2007-08-01T12:36:00.000-07:00

People who dislike cats have told me that cats will come directly to them in a crowded room. Cats seem to know.

As a child, I rode a horse on a trail ride. I had read every book there ever was about horses. I had loved King of the Wind, Black Beauty, and Star. As I was on my first horse fulfilling every dream I had had as a child, I realized I was terrified. The horse broke free from the orderly horse line, and bounded across an empty field. I hung on swamped in my personal fear. The horse knew.

One day, I returned home quite late. I had left at 7:00 AM and managed to fill my day with complex job expectations. I finally got home weary and tired. Sam, our golden retriever, and I had a regular routine. Usually, I came home at an ok time, strapped on my running shoes and Sam and I would take off. We would lope through the neighborhoods. On the evening I returned home so late, Sam had not eaten dinner. He had pushed open the hall closet, and removed one of my running shoes and placed in the middle of the dining room floor. He had taken my second running shoe and placed in downstairs in the middle of the family room floor. In order to do this, he had selected from tennis shoes, boots, and other running shoes that belong to other family members. He chose mine to make a point. The dog knew.

Why is it if animals are so smart we believe that children don’t get it? Why do we not recognize they can and will thrive if assured that we as adults believe in them? Believe that they can think, be competent, and can be instrumental to determining the course of their lives. We need to start trusting them early. When it comes to brains and ability I never met a kid that wasn’t smarter then any dog. I have never met a child who wasn’t more in need of attention than any cat. I have never met a child who isn’t smart enough to sense there is something right or wrong here. Children are capable. Why do we continue to discount them? Children thrive when they are trusted, encouraged to make decisions, and reassured with a consistent structure of rules and limits. Children thrive when they are respected and valued as individuals. Too often adults focus on filling toy chests. Taking time to refuel the spirit provides energy and hope for the adventure of growing up.

Who's Responsible? Mr Rogers? Mom? Dad?

2007-07-06T06:59:00.000-07:00

A lead article in the Wall Street Journal by Jeffrey Zaslow is entitled, “ Blame It on Mr. Rogers: Why Young Adults Feel So Entitled.” Blame, in my dictionary uses words like censure, find fault with and reproach as a definition. I found it to be a strong statement about Mr. Rogers. Zaslow writes about college students demanding A’s, and the rise of narcissism due to excessive doting resulting in too many children who are rude, self-absorbed or disrespectful. He complains about parents saying, “Well, they’re just children.” A child psychiatrist, Alvin Rosenfeld, is quoted as saying it is crucial to talk to kids about their lives, and that dialogue can enrich the whole family. Dr. Rosenfeld encourages parents to talk about their own lives as well.

I think that is exactly what Mr. Rogers did. Mr. Roger not only listened to children, he told them about his day, his friends, his plans, and his problems. He talked about courage, love and discipline. For many children, Mr. Rogers was the only adult who did communicate.

I agree that we have young adults who feel entitled. I have watched children who have parents who try to be their best friends instead of being a friendly adult in the lives of children. David Walsh has a new book out called “NO.” Copies are flying off the shelves. Parents are excited to have permission to say no to their children. Good news travels fast!

Mr. Rogers is not the culprit. Children need consistent, present and predictable adults in their lives. Mr. Rogers was all of that, but he was only present 30 minutes a day. Although his message was important time with Mr. Rogers was minimal compared to time children should have been spending with caring live adults in their homes. He was clear that what mattered in life were not honors or prizes, but being trusted. His lessons were based in positive core values, compassion, and care. His message was not about hurrahs for actions done. He liked children for being there… not because of what they did.

I miss the quiet man in a sweater. I miss his messages during difficult times. Our young adults today might have been better off if their parents had joined them while watching Mr. Rogers. Mr. Rogers told children that they were loved - no matter what. He did not tell them do what ever they wanted - no matter what. He never said expect everything to come your way - no matter what. Mr. Rogers was a longed for parent for many who had parents who were too busy to be present, to reassure, and be stewards of relationships that mattered.

Picture Albums vs Video

2007-07-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

As I look back on the journey our family is on, I know some things we have done that are really smart. We also know steps we took that were foolish. I remember worrying about Heather putting the Fisher-Price farm animals in the Fisher-Price school. I wondered how she could ever learn to read if she was confused about where cows go. I remember being concerned about her skipping. I took her to art class too early. She has been disinterested in drawing ever since. First borns really are in a tough place. Somewhere along the way, I discovered she was doing quite well. Her mother, on the other hand, was learning life lessons from a pro.

The other day I overheard a mother say, "We are catching every moment on a video." I wonder about that. Will videos provide the connecting and the sweetness of time so valued in my home with picture albums? I did do picture albums. Both children have a baby book. We all have family albums that have accumulated through the years. This is something smart I did. They should have been made from steel..... but they are grand. Some have corners chewed from puppies who were aging too slowly in our home. Others have had their pages turned so often, they are a little loose in the hinges. Through the years, during times of transitions, from nursery school to elementary, from junior high to high school, friends and acquaintances were invited over to stare at the picture albums. There were giggles. The pictures of Dave and I before children always bring squeals of laughter. My hair was funny. In quiet moments, each one of us can go down and regroup, remember, and review shared moments.

My children are older now. Moments together are always noted, always celebrated. Our lives are busy and our days are filled with traffic and different zip codes. The picture albums are still there. They record our adventures. I can look through them at a leisure pace. I can stop and recall the camping trip where we finally just zipped Elizabeth in the tent with us and went to sleep. Now she is planning a trip to London to attend a wedding. Her sons will stay with us and camp in the yard. We will take photos.

Picture albums give you time. Videos select their own time and pace. Take a few moments with glue and paper this summer. Invest some time to record this remarkable journey called "parenting" to savor in your future. Picture albums remind each family member they have been included in important moments. Too often we only notice growth and change when pajamas are too short.

Hit it, GIRL!

2007-06-03T14:16:00.000-07:00

By Dr. Ada Alden CFLE

Running stories bring humor, empathy, endurance and compassion to the smelly socks, shorts and shirts that too are part of the sport.

This weekend I was running with my daughter who was pushing her three year old in a running jogger. My son in law was loping along pushing the one year old who likes to be first. I am sure the five of us made an interesting picture as we ran around the golf course over hill and dale. Alison thought we looked like a parade. Our daughter Heather shared how she often takes the three year old out on a run. Alison acts as a coxswain. You may recall, the coxswain sits in the back of a sculling boat and shouts orders at the rowing team. Alison sits in the jogger as her mother pushes her. Alison is loud, able and enthusiastic. The route is hilly and often she sings along as her mother puffs up the hills. “ I think you can. I think you can.” She is clever and continues to support on the downhill calling out “ I knew you could. I knew you could.” The other day it was hot and Alison was not pleased with her mother’s speed. Out of the blue, Alison called out, “ Hit it, GIRL!” Dutifully our daughter picked up the speed and laughed all the way home.

In my dictionary, a coxswain is the steersman of a racing shell or the seaman in charge of a ship’s boat in the absence of an officer. There are days when I need a coxswain to help move me along. I need someone who calls out with a concise clear tone of voice providing both encouragement and a jump-start. It is during those times when I am not in the mood and a certain sluggishness has seeped into my outlook, I strap on my running shoes and hear Alison’s clarion call. “ Hit It! Grandma!

Newsletter #7 - Gang Membership

2007-05-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about gangs. I happen to know there has been a dramatic increase in gang involvement throughout the state. People used to think that gangs were inner city phenomena. Not true. Although we know gang membership comes with a price. Truth is the benefits quite often outweigh the negative accoutrements. Gangs offer acceptance. Once you are in you are in. Gang members like you just the way you are.

Gangs offer a clear sense of belonging. You not only are accepted in the gang you are considered one of us. I always liked the song in Oliver where the family dances around and sings, “Consider yourself at home. Consider yourself part of the family." A gang does that with balloons and whistles. Gang members wonder where you are, how you are, and when you will be back. Another song from Oliver does that well too. “You can go, but come back soon.”

Gangs offer fun. Events are planned together with great care and structure. Gangs have clear rules and limits. Everyone knows what is expected. Everyone knows how to behave and what outfit should be worn. Gangs provide members a sense of power and they model good gang behavior. Gangs move well in unison. Gang members have spoken eloquently about feeling emotionally safe when other gang members are around. Too often a sense of isolation and loneliness seeps in to one’s bone marrow. Gangs help alleviate that depression. Gangs assure a member that you are important enough to be part of the group.

From what I have read, the best way to extinguish the power innate to a gang is to get rid of the gang leadership. Get rid of the ones who make the rules, model the behavior, and assure all members they are needed, valued and significant. Without the leaders, members wander disconnected.

Licensed parent educators share strategies with parents to assure that family members belong, are clear on rules and limits, and are accepted for who and how they are. Good parent education is about family connections at the kitchen table and being intentional about routines and rituals. Louis Gonzales, Ph.D. said, “Gangs tend to be less attractive to a child who gets those needs met at home. The family has to be the better gang.” Children that live in a home with parents who understand their leadership role, provide reassurance, acceptance and emotional sustenance for all, will be happy to spend time in the family room. Good parent education really encourages parents to be strong and persistent gang leaders.

Newsletter #6 - Fickle Friendships

2007-05-18T08:59:00.002-07:00

I received an amaryllis as a gift this year. I have been watching it for months. For those unfamiliar with an amaryllis, they arrive in a pot of dirt and don’t look like much. They continue to look poorly for quite awhile. Ever so slowly, a green shoot emerges. With some drama, the shoot becomes a towering stalk. Usually there are four or five amazing trumpet shaped flowers. My amaryllis was spectacular. The colors were bright reds striped with a white. Another bulb had burnt orange flowers that added breathtaking color to the quiet clay pot in which it was housed. I had it in the kitchen window where it literally received ohs and ahs from family members. I could sit at the kitchen table and almost watch the blossoms unfurl. I came home one day from work and the flowers trumpeted a welcome. I remember gasping at how busy the flower had been in my absence. I was so impressed with the amaryllis I took pictures of it.

It has been a couple of months now. The tired blooms have drooped. Although one more stalk is going to bloom, the excitement, the fervor has waned. As I look at the amaryllis, I noted some friendships are just like it. Some friendships don’t look like much at first, and then suddenly there is rush of color, laughter, shared moments and celebrations. Some friendships feel so special that they expunge a quiet loneliness often present in my everyday. Yet, too often they wither. Too often just like the amaryllis, the splash of color disappears and I have been left with a sense of abandonment that accompanies the ending of relationships.

I don’t understand friendships very well. I will say the wild ride of the amaryllis sure is fun…For me, I do better with philodendron type relationships that survive. I have two philodendrons that just keep on keeping on. They seem happy to be watered, but don’t get crabby if I miss a week. They are quiet and provide a lush green to some of the corners of our home. I never come home to see how it is doing. It just does. Dr. Doris Kreisman says. “To have a true friendship, you have to do more than exchange cards or call each other once a year. There has to be some continued support and attention: otherwise the relationship is a sentimental attachment rather than a true friendship." Friendships can not be just once a year valentines—once a year splashy moments. I certainly have been attached to my amaryllis, but I know it will eventually return to not looking like much. Philodendron friendships may not look like much, but they aren’t fickle or quick to fade. The fiery reds and oranges live in memory, but it is the quiet green philodendrons that endure and sustain.

Newsletter #5 - Emerging Butterflies

2007-05-18T08:59:00.001-07:00

I believe many lessons are learned during difficult times. I often have said during times of turmoil, “My, we are going to learn from this.” We learn from frustration and pain. Without struggle we become weak, unsure and eventually without clarity of vision.

A fine illustration comes from a story told by Catherine Feste who wrote the book The Physician Within. The story is about a man who raised butterflies as a hobby. He was so touched by the difficulties they had in emerging from the cocoon that once, out of mistaken kindness, he split a cocoon with his thumbnail so that the tine inmate could escape without a struggle. That butterfly was never able to use its wings.

When Heather graduated, the 3,000 who attended commencement cheered, smiled, and congratulated their own butterflies. As Heather strode confidently across the stage, I remembered the years she had shoved against us, checking to see if we really meant “no.” I recalled saying “We don’t do it that way. Our value system will not allow that to happen. It is our way to have conversations during dinner not stare at a screen. It is our way to lift a candle at dinner even if it isn’t Thanksgiving.” We have spent a million hours holding steady. We have disagreed, shouted, cried and hugged. We have always avoided silence. We kept saying “We believe in you. We are here for you. We cannot let that happen. Not until you finish your chores. You will be responsible for that debt. Not until your homework is finished. We realize others don’t have to…but you do.”

Parenting is a constant reevaluation of the ever-changing cocoon. Children emerge from many cocoons as they age. The parent’s job is to pay attention to each stage and cherish the ever-changing flight patterns. Many of us at the graduation were wearing freshly starched shirts covering up our well-used, well-worn cocoon structures. Our children were glorious in their flight, however.

To contact Ada here.

Newsletter #4 - Personal coaching for muddled teens?

2007-05-18T08:49:00.000-07:00

A Star Tribune headline caught my eye. –Personal coaching for muddled teens?

Parents who are worried about struggling teens can hire a personal coach to ease the adolescent journey. This I am sure is a new and burgeoning job opportunity. Although the qualifications are unclear, I imagine some are at their wits end, and such a hireling could appear to be an answer. I am skeptical however. I don’t know that a personal trainer can help a struggling adolescent who is need of inner assurance, inner self direction and inner acceptance. I do know that such strengths emerge when a personal trainer is a part of child’s growing up. I watched a father walk his child into the Family Center this morning. They were holding hands as they gingerly crossed the icy tundra of our parking lot. I think if asked, he would have said, he was his daughter’s personal trainer and coach. When Elizabeth was young, she heard about a young girl who received $1000 to buy clothes for school. The mother had encouraged her to bring back a few hundred dollars. Elizabeth was thrilled. I told her to forget it. She had me. Together we would figure out the maze of school shopping. Through the years, I kept showing up. I needed to know how she came and went from school events. I attended all of the school conferences with her. She didn’t like that much. I told her I had to go as it was in my parent job description. I needed to meet the young men picking her up on a Friday night. I needed to have her attend family events. I needed both children to attend Family Meetings and participate in our family work. They hoped I would tire of this. I did. My children got in the way of my life. I however kept showing up. Truth was they were teaching me about life.

Parents need to be there for their children from the beginning. Parents are "strong"at home teachers "strong" coaches and personal trainers. Parents need to help children learn how to follow instructions, deal with frustration, trial and error. Home, according to Harriet Beecher Stowe, is the back room, the learning rehearsal place for much of life’s front stage events. Home is where winning and losing are practiced. Home is where lessons about I love you no matter what and care, persistence and loyalty are modeled. At the table in the home, teaching thank you and please is what a parent personal trainer does. In the home, room clean up, homework finishing and birthday parties are a part of family living. The home is the work out room- the training center for the rest of your life.

Good parent coaches talk about clear expectations, and assure routines are part of everyday. Good parent coaches encourage their children in the face of both success and failure. An available top-notch trainer as a child is growing up establishes a positive climate where children feel warmth, acceptance and support. Mark Swiggum, an excellent teacher, believes the most important piece of furniture in the home should be a round wooden table with enough chairs for every family member to sit. This is the table where discussions about the tough stuff occur. This is the table where prayers, I love you and I am scared can be shared. The more time spent around such a table, the less time would be needed in the yellow pages trying to find a personal coach for a muddled teenager. Children who sit at tables with caring adults believe they are not alone. A personal trainer arrived the day they were born and signed up for the long haul. Now that should be every child’s birthright. No outsider need apply.

Newsletter #3 - A Quilting Class for Memories

2007-05-18T08:48:00.001-07:00

Probably the most difficult job for parents is to keep the home’s rituals and routines ongoing. These routines need to happen all week long for young children. Routines that happen only on Monday and Tuesday aren’t routines. Children need something in their life that is constant. Children thrive when there are some things they can count on. Children who live without routine or rituals struggle with change and experience stress. Routines can be an every night bedtime story, sitting in the same chairs at dinner, a 5 minute chat, dinner with the television off and a kiss goodnight. Consistent guidance in the form of bedtime, mealtime, naptime and clean up routines act as an anchor point in a child’s ever changing world. A parent’s job is to keep and maintain these routines. A parent provides care, answers questions, manages the house, enforces limits and cares about family members. A child’s job is to learn, ask questions, keep on trying, follow the rules, communicate needs and listen. Parents and children routinely need to hug, laugh, and assure one another they belong and are loved. Learning and following the home routines will help a child grow up with an inner sense of security. A parent’s job is to be friendly with their child. It is not to be their child’s friend.

What science tells us is that nurturing and stable relationships with caring adults are essential to healthy human development beginning from birth. Early secure attachments contribute to the growth of a broad range of competencies, including a love of learning, a comfortable sense of oneself, positive social skills, and multiple successful relationships at later ages, and a sophisticated understanding of emotions, commitment, morality, and other aspects of human relationships.

Ruth Reardon’s poem is a helpful things to do list for parents:
CREATE A QUILT OF MEMORIES
to keep me warm.
An inner warmth that comes
from light of happy times.
Weave in the thread of holidays,
of friends and families…
Delights of seashore, fields,
of city parks.
The simplest happenings
traced out in love
become a pattern,
for my quilt of memories.

We learn how to drive cars before a license is issued. Professionals are trained to cut hair, repair cars, provide medical care, and teach school. Brick layers work years as an apprentice and computer wizards attend many sessions to learn about upgrades and software application. Let’s recognize the importance of being available to our children. Children need adults in their lives. Children do not need stuff.

Newsletter #2 - Fall Resolutions

2007-05-18T08:46:00.000-07:00

New Year resolutions can be any time. I believe fall is a fine time to plan to make a change. Fall always feels like change to me. I have always moved internally and believed September is a time for reevaluation. January never has felt like a beginning to me. Maybe it is too cold in January to begin? September is a time for school, new socks, and new colors and new connecting. Calendars fill up with new schedules, rakes come out of the rafters and festive foliage replaces mosquito repellant. This fall I would hope each of us is able to make emotional connections with those whose pictures are on the mantel. Too often people we care about are just that.... pictures on the mantel-or in the family album. I wonder how well we connect with one another as family members on a daily basis. In a movie I saw this summer the actress said, “It does not take more energy to be pleasant. Being kind is not more difficult that being crabby. I believe we need to value family stories, family discussions and shared events.

This summer, I attended family gatherings where people clutched at memories and pictures of a suddenly dead loved one. A young woman had been snuffed from their lives by a drunken driver. No one had time to say good by. Life is short. Life is to be celebrated. Life should not be one of "regrets"and "I wish I had saids." This fall--- take time to build memories, take time for hugs, and spend time with those whose pictures are on the mantel.

Parent Question: Now that school has started, our bedtime routine is unclear. During the summer there was no need for a bedtime ritual. Now our mornings are rushed and quite often filled with unhappy faces and angry words.

Ada's Response: Children thrive when parents implement clear and predictable procedures. Children learn over time that wearing a seat belt is always required. Applying a similar approach to bedtime procedures will ease school day tensions. Parents need to take a leadership role and determine a bed time routine that is followed during the school week. The routine needs to be consistent. Select a way that it is always done and stick to it. At our house, teeth were brushed, a story was read and children were put in bed. A regular bedtime routine also includes a time one needs to get up to prepare for school. Purchase a clock for the child to learn how to get up. Be sure there is enough time in the morning for “Have a good day in school.” I would recommend every morning saying to your child, “I love being your mom.” “I love being your dad.” Avoid sending your child to school running on emotional empty.

Newsletter #1 - Don’t Let the Summer Slip By

2007-05-18T08:44:00.000-07:00

Kids only spend 9% of their time in school. But they can spend 100% of their time learning.
University of Minnesota

For children the teachings of their parents will always be the core.Pestalozzi

Summer arrives as a tasty package. Watermelons, peaches, apricots, and ice cream cones cheer it. Summer is lemonade and sandwiches. When my children were young, we used to have lunch under a grape arbor in our yard. I believe there was one summer that we did that almost every day. They still talk about that elegant lunch location. Walks in the summer should be required. Walks in neighborhoods and near by parks allow time for discovery and conversations. Summer is a good time for family sharing in family work. Such experiences teach belonging and promote a sense of competence. Consider a calendar for June, July, and August where the family carefully charts out "fun" moments. Trips to local gardens, parks, specialty bakeries, the zoo, the Farmer's Market will brighten a child's eyes. More importantly, such trips will stick in your memory. I would spend all summer avoiding anything that ran with a battery, was plugged in or needed a power pack.

A recent newspaper article stated that children are spending an average of 4 1/2 hours each day sitting in front of electronic screens in their homes absorbing television, games and computer programming. The proliferation of new media continues to transform the environment in American homes. I am reminded of Bill Moyers who said our children are being raised by appliances. I don't believe this flood of technology provides adequate skills for children who need to experience empathy, connecting with others, and the core values of respect, integrity, and responsibility. Someday, when your children are tall and planning their own calendars, as a parent you'll catch yourself wondering where did the time go? How did they get so tall? How did the time flash by? Catch moments like beads on a necklace. Celebrate this time without mittens and heavy jackets. This summer be an involved and connected parent. Children who spend time with their parents have higher grades, better school attendance, fewer placements in special education and more positive attitudes and behaviors. The family makes critical contributions to student achievement from early childhood through high school. Gently unwrap the lovely hours of summer 2005. Don't let it slip by.

Parent Question: We have two boys 6 and 8. My husband would like to buy them a PlayStation and a kid’s cell phone. How can I talk him out of this? I am concerned about too much technology.

Ada 's Response : Your question has many layers. I share your too much technology concern. However, I am not sure what too much is. My too much might be someone else's too little. Given the age of your children, I believe I would implement a teaching opportunity. Your children are the right age to practice decision making, learn money management, and develop at home leadership skills. Regular family meetings with clear agendas that include money management discussions and clarification of the “Anderson- or Sanchez or Smith Way" would establish time for necessary conversations about needs and wants. Allowances are to teach money management. Children today are not learning dollar and cents skills. They are being raised with a plastic card - charge it attitude. Allowances based on learning, not on chores done, teach spending, saving and item selection. Children eventually learn to save items they want. It is too quick and easy to buy stuff for our children ignoring the lesson opportunity.
In my book, Parenting on Purpose: Red Yellow Green Framework for Respectful Discipline I spend quite a bit of time on family meetings. I believe the "Anderson- Smith - _______Way" comprise the Red and Green guidelines for your family. Within those parameters, discussions about what is too much technology etc. could be clarified.

It is not unusual for parents to disagree. What is needed is time for parents to clarify needs and wants. We had important conversations about money and selective purchasing. Why does your husband feel your children need PlayStations and cell phones? Discussions about buying, spending, and saving are critical at the kitchen table. Developing these skills during the elementary years assures better decision making and problem solving during adolescence. Why Parents Disagree is a helpful book. Consumer Reports for Kids is a helpful magazine. I do know your children are the right age for family meetings. I do know having such discussions and regular meetings promotes communication, connection and a sense of belonging.